my birthday

i’m now on my last “teen” year. haha.

a quote from my dad,

Age is just a matter of number. And to think that number is not a matter, we can conclude that age does not matter.

hahahaha joker kaayo akong papa.

i’ve been alive for 19 years! i’ve revolved around the sun 19 times already! even though the things i wished to happen for my birthday did not come true, i’m still happy to have been alive this long. even though my life, i think, had more bumps than smooth rides, i’m glad that i passed through them all. it doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how much lessons you learned through those failures and how you picked yourself up and tried again. that’s life – you cry, you laugh but what really matters is that you loved and became happy.

on the 6th, it rained really hard. i thought it wasn’t gonna stop. at first, i was so happy watching every drop forcefully hit the ground and make the happiest sound i heard that day (except from the greetings of course). but as hours went by, i realized that i was waiting for nothing. haha. classes were suspended because there’s power outage. and the people i thought i’d meet that time were stranded in their houses. at least i had fun watching people get wet as i sit down on the cold bench near the ATM booth slightly wet. then the rain stopped. i went to see some classmates and friends and suddenly tears fell. haha. i don’t even know what was the exact reason they went down my cheeks. mixed emotions? they said they understand that my reasons is to deep for them to fathom . i couldn’t stop them from falling. i was thinking about my wish. i know it was impossible but i tried wishing for it. basin diay magbuhat ug milagro si Lord bahalag kato lang nga day naa sila. i was thinking how come i still think and act like i’m 16 and how i let some things go out of control this past few days.  i was also thinking about my best friends and why they’re not there with me. omg. emo. haha. then i stopped. my friend’s right when he told me that i should have a birthday shield. how stupid i became because of that stupid game/trap i fell into really haunted me. thus, i hated myself and even though i tried so much to forget about it even just for that day, i failed. but moving on, i’m glad that my friends made me smile. and when i came home, my sisters surprised me with a cake. and i even blew a candle. haha nobody’s too old for blowing candles right? but i was so excited to take a picture and was so overwhelmed with the surprise that i forgot to wish. hahaha. maybe that was the gist of it ei? it’s not always about my wish. then the next morning i had the best breakfast of my 2009. ice cream on a rainy morning feels so good.

when we wish, we always expect that it would come true. haha. right? because we have faith but when it doesn’t happen, we get hurt. so maybe i should wish less and expect less. this is a cruel world. people will fail you. it’s normal. you fail them too. that’s why not all wishes are granted because if all wishes will be granted in this world, this would be heaven.

someday, some wishes will come true diba? haha. but i waiting and anticipating much will keep you from seeing once-in-a-lifetime surprises. so if it’ll come, it’ll come – mao na na akong motto karon.

thanks for the people who became part of my 19 years of existence. in whatever way, you made this life worth living.

and of course, to the one who created me, thank you for not being shocked of my weaknesses and for loving me unconditionally.  i love you Lord.

– darksphere

one weird and freaky soul

okay.. i am supposed to finish all those UML diagrams but i think i need to write these disturbing thoughts.

i met someone really weird. haha. he’s bored, weird, witty, and freaky. that was a lot to digest for our second conversation… a lot. i had fun talking to him. but i can’t really decode his personality. i don’t know.. one time he’ll impress you then seconds after, “oh that’s a major turnoff! ” and what’s interesting is that, he described me as someone that i think is sooooo not me. i mean nobody told me about all those things that he describes me as. he’s a rollercoaster. i hate him one moment [asz in major ewww jud yucky] then the next i change my mind. whatever. he annoys me. he keeps on arguing with me. he pisses me off. and nobody was like that to me ever. haha. he pisses me off in a weird way.

but dang! he’s not what i imagined him to be. that melody won’t fit these lyrics. total opposites. it won’t blend in.

well, let’s see. even though he freaks me out and sometimes scares me, i had fun talking to someone “new.” haha. i mean, someone who’s not from the kind of people i usually hang out with. there’s still a lot to discover about him. and i know sa ako pud. let’s see. when something goes wrong about, say a gadget, it’s not that hard to turn your back from that something especially if you had it for free. right??

maybe i’ll just go back on understanding those things and letting it sink in later. later. now back to the diagrams..

– darksphere

Mai 2008 in Review

here are the highlights of my 2008. [the ones i can remember. haha]

Mollusca (January 2008)

Mollusca (January 2008)

Sisters (April 2008)

Look-alikes? haha. father and daughter (April 2008)

Sisters (can’t remember when was this taken)

Sisters (April 2008)

Sisters (April 2008)

Mollusca (November 2008)

January

• fieldtrip for Biology[minor subj]. Destination? Duka Bay Resort, Opol Aviary and.. Cagayan de Oro’s Whitewater Rafting. the best fieldtrip for me. ever. we all agree that what we had was not a field trip but an OUTING! lol

February

• 18th birthday. no celebration. i’m of legal age now! [but i can’t feel it. haha]

March, April, May

• end of 07-08 2nd Semester [the semester that i enjoyed most ^_^; bye bye 2nd year]
• dad’s yearly vacation to the Philippines
• a laptop for me! thanks tatay! ^^,
• Summer Classes [finally done with all my minors]
• fell in love with Super Junior and Kpop
• movie marathons @@
• internet connection for me.. weeee!
• started learning how to write, read and understand Korean.

June

• start of my 3rd Year in BSIT [CSc 181(Software Engineering): welcome to hell, mai. lol]
• discovered what I really want to take up for college[history and political science]. yep. too late. haha.

July

• 1st “trip” to the Regional Trial Court [FYI, i’m not the accused. lol ^_^]
• loved CSc 151(Database Systems). [yep. i loved it. bahalag permi memorize. ]

August

• Iligan [that includes ME!!] got really disturbed with the Moro Islamic Liberation Front – Government of the Republic of the Philippines Memorandum of Agreement on Ancestral Domain (MILF-GRP MOA on Ancestral Domain)
• Iligan Bombings (3 hotels)
• MILF attacks in Lanao del Norte [which Iligan is part of, thank God they did not reach Iligan City. but I condole with the many people who lost their loved-ones, homes and means of living]
• received an apology from someone [granted. lol]

September

• start of the series of overnights for the completion of our project in CSc 181
• Iligan City Fiesta [was not as “bibo” as the past years’]
• my first Octupus Ride! haha!

October

• still lots of overnights for CSc 181
• school stuffs was really hellish!
• birth of this blog! ^^,

November

• more overnights for school stuffs esp CSc 181 [this month is the most hellish of them all. haha]
• but.. finally.. WE PASSED! wooot!
• had the shortest Sembreak ever. haha. because of my INC in 181.
• Start of 08-09 2nd Semester [babye 1st sem, hello to more challenges ^_^]

December

• Iligan Bombings [again] (2 Department Stores and there were more bombs discovered and detonated the following days after)
• Worst Christmas ever [most unsafe month for Iligan, and loneliest Christmas for me]

some notable [positive]changes:

• myself  – i’ve finally let go of some bad habits; i passed 181 the “initiation” of BSIT; i have a laptop!; i started learning Hangul! ^-^
• family – lots of ups and downs this year but we’re still going strong. [lol murag uyab. haha] there’s more to come, i know but i’ll be positive about it.
• sister (special mention) – we became closer this year and i’m so happy about it! love you guys!
• friends – bonded a lot with my college best friends this year. weeee. thanks girls. there’s never a dull moment when i’m with you.
• school – i passed CSc 181! i’m on my 3rd year now!! 1 more year to the finish line! woooohooo! aja aja fighting!

wow. now that’s a great roller coaster ride! that’s it. in a few hours, we’ll be waving goodbye to 2008 and saying hello to 2009. there were a lot of pains this year, but i also received a lot of blessings and love. i had the worst Christmas but even though it’s the greatest time of the year, it’s only 1/12 of the year right? what matters most for me now is how i spent the bigger part of the year. and even though i fell and almost gave up in a lot of struggles, i stood up and i’m happy to say that i got through them. of course thanks to You my best friend, my family, and my friends.

my sisters and i want to welcome the new year with a blast so we promised to really have fun tonight and tomorrow. good luck to us! 🙂

my thanks goes out to all who have been part of my 2008. thanks for molding me to the person that i am now, welcoming a new year. to all that i’ve hurt, sorry. to the ones who hurt me, i have forgiven you. i can’t even remember who you fellas are anymore. haha.

let’s welcome the new year with an optimistic heart and mind especially with what’s going on with the world now [the layoffs, financial crisis, inflation, wars, hunger]. have a great year ahead. let’s live, laugh, and love.♥♥♥🙂

happy new year! ♥♥♥

– darksphere

hours before christmas

here i am. i still haven’t found the excitement and anticipation i used to feel in the past Christmases. i prepared food, we had our Christmas shopping yesterday, i listened to Christmas songs.. but still to no effect..i don’t know what’s happening really. i just miss a lot of people. they’re the only ones i know who can make me feel the same feeling i used to have. wth. what should i do? i really have no plans this midnight. maybe i’ll just sleep.. OR.. spend the whole night in front of my computer.. sigh. am i being “the grinch??” ugh.. let’s see what will happen. i’m not closing my doors.. maybe something fun will come my way tonight. a surprise? i don’t know. i hope so. 😐 i just.. want to be happy.. do i really need to make efforts to achieve that? can’t it just come up to me? ok.. enough of being emo. enough.

-darksphere

this girl’s Christmas rants

. . . When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

. . .   When you lose something you can’t replace . . .

in less than two weeks it will be Christmas. everybody’s looking forward to it. and here’s a girl who doesn’t even know if she’s going to celebrate the joyous season. she hates Christmas. not because she hates Christ but because Christ didn’t allow her to spend a number of Christmases the way she wants it. she’s selfish. no, she just wants to be happy. everybody does. she hates Christmas because not because she has no money but because she doesn’t have someone to go shopping with, not because she doesn’t have something to eat for Noche Buena but because she has no one to share it with, not because she hates preparing the cake but because no one will need her help in making the frosting, not because she has no gifts but because the gifts she used to eagerly wait to open will never be put under the tree again, not because her tree looks bad but because nobody got mad at her in putting the Christmas ball at the most awkward part of the tree, not because she doesn’t want to wake up at midnight at the sound of the firecrackers but because she knows no one will scold her when she wakes up an hour before midnight because of excitement.. she hates Christmas not because she is alone but because even though she has these special persons surrounding her, she still feels empty. and she hates it because she knows that the emptiness she feels will never be filled again. never again..

its been years and a lot have changed.. the world continued living.. so did she.. she is not bitter. she is not living the remainder of her life in grief.. she became happy. she jumped in excitement.. she fell in love.. yet no one, nothing can ever make true happiness feel the same way – the way she felt way back when she was complete – for her. lots of Christmases has passed.. lots of birthdays.. important events.. ordinary days.. sometimes no matter how you push yourself to move on (or even when you just lift all your grief to Him for comfort), in some parts of your life, it won’t work. there’s always a time when you’ll want to go back to some blissful moments but end up getting hurt and crying because you know you’ll never take it back again. of course. there’s death. how can you ever take them back? all that it left her were memories, unread letters, poems kept, un-showed feelings..

everyone, everything kept her feet on the ground and standing.. all voices kept saying everything’s going to be okay and life must go on.. so easy for them but it was like hell for her.. as if living because of life support.. she got through the first painful parts of moving on – deep sorrow, denial, acceptance.. she got through them.. and even though she was bruised, she held on.. she continued living.. now, she’s on this point in her life.. everything she needs is supplied.. she can’t ask for more.. but still she feels empty.. she can’t ask for more.. because what she wants to ask for will never be given to her.. life. that life she had.. the life she wants back.. people.. the people she loved.. the people she misses.. she can’t ask for more.. because what she really wants to ask for will never be fulfilled in this life, in this place, in this time..

she thought she had every right to be bitter and to blame but she was wrong. cliche as it may sound, this is life. all the Christmases where she felt true happiness will just remain to be memories.. locked in her photo albums, old Christmas decors and her heart.. the heart that will never feel the same Christmas feeling again..