of love and the one

do you believe in destiny? do you believe that someday, somewhere, there’s someone that you are meant to be with for the rest of your life if not forever? these are the questions i often ask those people around me. some said yes, some said destiny is a lie. i often ask myself these questions too. and i’ve always been consistent.. so far. haha! but i wasn’t consistent on the reasons.. on my reactions..

there’s this one show i watched today, it’s a series actually, and i’m following it, it’s about two souls that met during their childhood days and got separated by circumstances [maybe fate]. and met again, they didn’t know that they’ve already met.. they don’t recognize each other anymore. but they’re still waiting for each other, believing that he is the “one” for her and she’s the “one” for him. hmmm.. i just got reminded of how i see matters like that a few weeks back..

what’s the story? i wouldn’t dig into the details. but let’s just say there’s someone that all these years i’ve been considering as “the one” for me. a childish love but i took seriously. a lesson to be learned, but i dwelt at too much. too much that even though i was doing fine, i know the world continued living and there’s one part of me that stopped and was stranded. it was unhealthy. i thought it was the right thing to do because i believe in destiny, in fate, and i believe that everything i was doing with him in mind will eventually lead us back to where we are destined to be. [or what i believed we were destined to be.] hmmm.. in each other’s arms? haha! silly, but yes, that’s what i imagined it to be. that all of these are just tests, and just streets we need to walk through, that in the end, it’s still gonna be us. of all the things that i don’t have confidence in doing, that belief was one of the few ones i was sure of. i continued of living, i moved on, i didn’t feed my broken heart. because deep down in me, was that strong inspiration.

then out of nowhere, in the midst of all the crowd dancing, alcohol pouring, and smoke in the air, i ended up crying and saying his name. that’s when i realized that even though i was okay, i wasn’t in pain, i was hopeful and happily waiting for him, but i was putting myself into a prison that i myself made. a prison built by lies. because i just didn’t want to accept that that’s the end of my story. because i still believed in fairy tales, in Korean love stories, that  i thought i despised. i kept on thinking, why and how it happened, and i found out why – why i am still living in despair, even though i’m so good in hiding it. but i didn’t find out how it happened, and i think it’s going to be harder if i bother tracing.

so from then on, i decided to accept it, that that’s really how it ends and that you should not wait for people, for circumstances, and for time, to put and end to your story. your death or you loved ones death should determine the end of your story. because not all stories end when death comes, and some continue after death, some end before it. why death? because, i thought my life is the also the lifeline of my story. i didn’t understand that my life is my time, and throughout my time, i make my stories, lots of stories – thousands of starts and endings..and it took me a while to realize that. but it was worth it.

some stories may end up happy, some stories don’t. that’s a fact.

i still believe in destiny. i still believe in “the one.” but the difference now is that my story featuring him as “the one” have ended. and it was a happy ending.

i still believe in destiny. i still believe in “the one.” and i’m still open to the possibility the he might still come into my life again. our story has ended. but my life is my time, another story can start.

one really must know when to let go – when to end a story, flip a page, and start again.

so for that drama that i’ve been following, i can’t say that they’re wrong or right because it’s a drama, a show. there are things that only happen in dramas. but if it happens in someone’s life, let’s just say… that’s their story. that’s where choice meets destiny. that’s how they chose their story to be.

i still believe in destiny. i still believe in “the one.”

– darksphere

my birthday

i’m now on my last “teen” year. haha.

a quote from my dad,

Age is just a matter of number. And to think that number is not a matter, we can conclude that age does not matter.

hahahaha joker kaayo akong papa.

i’ve been alive for 19 years! i’ve revolved around the sun 19 times already! even though the things i wished to happen for my birthday did not come true, i’m still happy to have been alive this long. even though my life, i think, had more bumps than smooth rides, i’m glad that i passed through them all. it doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how much lessons you learned through those failures and how you picked yourself up and tried again. that’s life – you cry, you laugh but what really matters is that you loved and became happy.

on the 6th, it rained really hard. i thought it wasn’t gonna stop. at first, i was so happy watching every drop forcefully hit the ground and make the happiest sound i heard that day (except from the greetings of course). but as hours went by, i realized that i was waiting for nothing. haha. classes were suspended because there’s power outage. and the people i thought i’d meet that time were stranded in their houses. at least i had fun watching people get wet as i sit down on the cold bench near the ATM booth slightly wet. then the rain stopped. i went to see some classmates and friends and suddenly tears fell. haha. i don’t even know what was the exact reason they went down my cheeks. mixed emotions? they said they understand that my reasons is to deep for them to fathom . i couldn’t stop them from falling. i was thinking about my wish. i know it was impossible but i tried wishing for it. basin diay magbuhat ug milagro si Lord bahalag kato lang nga day naa sila. i was thinking how come i still think and act like i’m 16 and how i let some things go out of control this past few days.  i was also thinking about my best friends and why they’re not there with me. omg. emo. haha. then i stopped. my friend’s right when he told me that i should have a birthday shield. how stupid i became because of that stupid game/trap i fell into really haunted me. thus, i hated myself and even though i tried so much to forget about it even just for that day, i failed. but moving on, i’m glad that my friends made me smile. and when i came home, my sisters surprised me with a cake. and i even blew a candle. haha nobody’s too old for blowing candles right? but i was so excited to take a picture and was so overwhelmed with the surprise that i forgot to wish. hahaha. maybe that was the gist of it ei? it’s not always about my wish. then the next morning i had the best breakfast of my 2009. ice cream on a rainy morning feels so good.

when we wish, we always expect that it would come true. haha. right? because we have faith but when it doesn’t happen, we get hurt. so maybe i should wish less and expect less. this is a cruel world. people will fail you. it’s normal. you fail them too. that’s why not all wishes are granted because if all wishes will be granted in this world, this would be heaven.

someday, some wishes will come true diba? haha. but i waiting and anticipating much will keep you from seeing once-in-a-lifetime surprises. so if it’ll come, it’ll come – mao na na akong motto karon.

thanks for the people who became part of my 19 years of existence. in whatever way, you made this life worth living.

and of course, to the one who created me, thank you for not being shocked of my weaknesses and for loving me unconditionally.  i love you Lord.

– darksphere

this girl’s Christmas rants

. . . When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

. . .   When you lose something you can’t replace . . .

in less than two weeks it will be Christmas. everybody’s looking forward to it. and here’s a girl who doesn’t even know if she’s going to celebrate the joyous season. she hates Christmas. not because she hates Christ but because Christ didn’t allow her to spend a number of Christmases the way she wants it. she’s selfish. no, she just wants to be happy. everybody does. she hates Christmas because not because she has no money but because she doesn’t have someone to go shopping with, not because she doesn’t have something to eat for Noche Buena but because she has no one to share it with, not because she hates preparing the cake but because no one will need her help in making the frosting, not because she has no gifts but because the gifts she used to eagerly wait to open will never be put under the tree again, not because her tree looks bad but because nobody got mad at her in putting the Christmas ball at the most awkward part of the tree, not because she doesn’t want to wake up at midnight at the sound of the firecrackers but because she knows no one will scold her when she wakes up an hour before midnight because of excitement.. she hates Christmas not because she is alone but because even though she has these special persons surrounding her, she still feels empty. and she hates it because she knows that the emptiness she feels will never be filled again. never again..

its been years and a lot have changed.. the world continued living.. so did she.. she is not bitter. she is not living the remainder of her life in grief.. she became happy. she jumped in excitement.. she fell in love.. yet no one, nothing can ever make true happiness feel the same way – the way she felt way back when she was complete – for her. lots of Christmases has passed.. lots of birthdays.. important events.. ordinary days.. sometimes no matter how you push yourself to move on (or even when you just lift all your grief to Him for comfort), in some parts of your life, it won’t work. there’s always a time when you’ll want to go back to some blissful moments but end up getting hurt and crying because you know you’ll never take it back again. of course. there’s death. how can you ever take them back? all that it left her were memories, unread letters, poems kept, un-showed feelings..

everyone, everything kept her feet on the ground and standing.. all voices kept saying everything’s going to be okay and life must go on.. so easy for them but it was like hell for her.. as if living because of life support.. she got through the first painful parts of moving on – deep sorrow, denial, acceptance.. she got through them.. and even though she was bruised, she held on.. she continued living.. now, she’s on this point in her life.. everything she needs is supplied.. she can’t ask for more.. but still she feels empty.. she can’t ask for more.. because what she wants to ask for will never be given to her.. life. that life she had.. the life she wants back.. people.. the people she loved.. the people she misses.. she can’t ask for more.. because what she really wants to ask for will never be fulfilled in this life, in this place, in this time..

she thought she had every right to be bitter and to blame but she was wrong. cliche as it may sound, this is life. all the Christmases where she felt true happiness will just remain to be memories.. locked in her photo albums, old Christmas decors and her heart.. the heart that will never feel the same Christmas feeling again..