It’s Been One Year

Well, i’m weeks late. haha. I just noticed yesterday that this blog is already One Year Old. weee! and i also noticed that i only missed a post for July.. the rest of the months, i wrote 1 or 2 posts. I’m happy that somehow i got consistent and made this blog alive. hahaha!

i don’t know if there are people who read this except me and my friends maybe(rarely.. when i link them here siguro. hahaha!).  but it doesn’t really matter to me because i decided to put up this blog for me to practice writing and as an outlet for the emotional and sentimental soul in me.

as i browse through the archives i realized i always wrote lengthy blog posts. hahaha! and 95 percent of them are really sentimental. haha

soo..now i’m running out of words and thoughts about what to write anymore..  i’m just glad and proud that this blog is already one year old. ^___^

i hope i can write more happy posts and more about life and travel.. next year, i’ll be graduating(hopefully..) so i hope i can start travelling and exploring beautiful places and share my beautiful memories here..

and i hope, i can bring more life to this blog.. hahaha! since i noticed that because of the lengthy posts, my page looks boring..

i also hope i can write more in my “about me” section..

hmmm.. what else…?

as of now, i’m focused on writing more posts in my other blog because i want to make profit out of it. hahaha! so drop by if you want to..

well, if there is anyone who follows this blog, thank you! ^^ and to my blogger friends who shared some comments and their thoughts with me through this blog for the past year, thank you. hahaha!

and to you who is reading this right now, thank you! whatever brought you here, thank you. ^_____^

happy birthday to my blog! 🙂

 

– darksphere

merry Christmas – merry?

happy Christmas to all. haha. don’t get affected by this emotional post. if you think you will be saddened after reading this, DON’T CONTINUE READING. hope you’ll enjoy the rest of the holidays as i continue my hunt of my meaning of Christmas.lol

it’s 12:23 am, Dec. 26, 2008. Christmas is over. it was just an ordinary day. except that we had to wake up at midnight to eat. boring. lonely. no other words could describe my Christmas this year. i spent the Christmas day just sleeping, watching TV, surfing the net and more sleeping in between. since i was too absorbed by loneliness and longing, i took refuge on Korean music. my escape.

sometimes no matter how you try to move on, accept that memories will remain to be memories, and welcome[and adjust to] new people, you’ll realize that you’ll never feel the same again. no matter how you try to be happy with the ones you are with in the present, you’ll realize that you’re just forcing yourself to get over the beautiful haunting past and tell yourself that what you have today is better. reality hurts. so much that it stings even to your soul. just as what some people told me, you’ll never get over the pain, you’ll just get used to them.

mai..next Christmas will be better. i promise.

-darksphere

this girl’s Christmas rants

. . . When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

. . .   When you lose something you can’t replace . . .

in less than two weeks it will be Christmas. everybody’s looking forward to it. and here’s a girl who doesn’t even know if she’s going to celebrate the joyous season. she hates Christmas. not because she hates Christ but because Christ didn’t allow her to spend a number of Christmases the way she wants it. she’s selfish. no, she just wants to be happy. everybody does. she hates Christmas because not because she has no money but because she doesn’t have someone to go shopping with, not because she doesn’t have something to eat for Noche Buena but because she has no one to share it with, not because she hates preparing the cake but because no one will need her help in making the frosting, not because she has no gifts but because the gifts she used to eagerly wait to open will never be put under the tree again, not because her tree looks bad but because nobody got mad at her in putting the Christmas ball at the most awkward part of the tree, not because she doesn’t want to wake up at midnight at the sound of the firecrackers but because she knows no one will scold her when she wakes up an hour before midnight because of excitement.. she hates Christmas not because she is alone but because even though she has these special persons surrounding her, she still feels empty. and she hates it because she knows that the emptiness she feels will never be filled again. never again..

its been years and a lot have changed.. the world continued living.. so did she.. she is not bitter. she is not living the remainder of her life in grief.. she became happy. she jumped in excitement.. she fell in love.. yet no one, nothing can ever make true happiness feel the same way – the way she felt way back when she was complete – for her. lots of Christmases has passed.. lots of birthdays.. important events.. ordinary days.. sometimes no matter how you push yourself to move on (or even when you just lift all your grief to Him for comfort), in some parts of your life, it won’t work. there’s always a time when you’ll want to go back to some blissful moments but end up getting hurt and crying because you know you’ll never take it back again. of course. there’s death. how can you ever take them back? all that it left her were memories, unread letters, poems kept, un-showed feelings..

everyone, everything kept her feet on the ground and standing.. all voices kept saying everything’s going to be okay and life must go on.. so easy for them but it was like hell for her.. as if living because of life support.. she got through the first painful parts of moving on – deep sorrow, denial, acceptance.. she got through them.. and even though she was bruised, she held on.. she continued living.. now, she’s on this point in her life.. everything she needs is supplied.. she can’t ask for more.. but still she feels empty.. she can’t ask for more.. because what she wants to ask for will never be given to her.. life. that life she had.. the life she wants back.. people.. the people she loved.. the people she misses.. she can’t ask for more.. because what she really wants to ask for will never be fulfilled in this life, in this place, in this time..

she thought she had every right to be bitter and to blame but she was wrong. cliche as it may sound, this is life. all the Christmases where she felt true happiness will just remain to be memories.. locked in her photo albums, old Christmas decors and her heart.. the heart that will never feel the same Christmas feeling again..

heart?

…Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s The Rainy Day

this is actually my favorite verse from a poem.

___________________________________________

no matter how the head tells the the heart,

the heart doesn’t seem to hear anything..

but what pleases its ears..

no matter how dark,

the eyes still sees everything it wants to see

because the heart draws the picture..

stupid nga heart.! magbuot buot!! T.T

– darksphere

passed

it’s 12:32 in the morning. i should be sleeping i know. but i can’t.  last night i also lacked sleep. this has been normal for me since the CSc181 fever. and now that WE’VE PASSED, i know i should be sleeping to compensate for the almost-two-month (or more) overnights, programming, and defense. gawsh. you can just imagine how stressful it was.

the subject taught me a lot. from the main objective of the course (believe me ti’m not referring to torture), to groupmates/classmates relationships, to your physical limits, to your spiritual, intellectual, and emotional aspects..

gawsh. i still can’t believe it’s over. all the tears i shed, all the sleepless nights, all the seconds that my head cannot rest thinking of triggers, business rules and ERDs.. all those times i doubted myself.. all those times spent in sadness and anxiety.. disappointments.. after two unsuccessful tries.. finally, we have completed CSc 181. when i got home up to maybe 3 hours after, a fixed smile is painted on my face and heart.. but at one point, i want to break down. i am so lacking. i don’t deserve this. how can you be so good? after all those times i spent downloading videos, checking SJ updates, watching movies, instead of focusing on the project..you still helped us. after all the doubts i had with myself, with people, with you.. you still carried me through. a lot of times, i got so weak and wanted to give up but i hesitantly chose to hang on to a very little faith.. you guided me.. comforted me.. thank you.. you know that what my heart really wants to say is deeper than that.

this is a chance.. an opportunity.. for me to strive to be better. i honestly don’t know if i can do it. i’m so afraid to waste this chance. you gave it to me even when around me, i see only reasons to give up and not to hold on. you really have a way of teaching me lessons and how to live life. i don’t know where this life will guide me. i don’t know what’s in store for me but now you made me feel so strong. so strong that i can tell the whole world to conspire against me and still i won’t feel down even a bit. thank you. i will never be a good girl. tomorrow maybe i’ll commit mistakes again.. but now i feel so secured and happy.. at the same time afraid.. i don’t understand what my heart wants to speak.

like i’m in my father’s lap.. ignoring the world’s problems.. thank you. it’s never enough. i’ll never deserve it. such an indescribable love..

tomorrow.. when i wake up, i hope this isn’t a dream.. i hope you will not get tired of hearing my rumblings yet still hug me with your unconditional love. i love you.