untitled?

it’s 3 am and i’m awake. i slept early last night. yep, my old sleeping patterns are back. not. haha. i CAN sleep early now BUT i also wake up very early. haha. it’s no use i think. because to sum it all, i still get the same total hours of slumber. how sad. but.. maybe i should dwell on the brighter side.. i slept early last night. haha.

school’s starting to get serious, boring, difficult. and.. i just have to talk about this. i am so not ready for CSc182(Software Engineering II). we are to pass our system proposal tomorrow for evaluation. my groupmate and i decided to just continue what we have done last semester but we need to broaden the scope of the system. i don’t know how we’re going to do that. and instead of thinking about it last night, i… just slept. haha. see how much i despise Software Engineering now? i know.. i need to get back to focus. i really need to.. just how am i going to do that?? T.T

i switched back to windows xp last weekend. and i just love how better my laptop performs now. i can install PhotoshopCS3 together with Visual Studio and other apps without worrying about how slow my computer runs and ‘hangups’..  i tried to install a vista transformation pack but i failed. haha. i didn’t like it. so the vista-like theme and cursor tweaking answered my worries of missing the vista interface. yey. i missed photoshop. though i’m not that good in photoshoping, i can settle for mediocrity since i never loved making visual art myself. haha. [taman ra ko tan-aw di ko kabalo mubuhat ug ako.] maybe this Christmas break i’ll be starting to make some photoshop experiments again. i’m excited. i want to do it asap but my studies are not permitting me.

since teachers are now starting to give us projects to work on, there will be less getting-crazy-over-kpop-people, and.. less time to hangout with my close friends. i think i’m gonna miss the latter more. these past few weeks i think there wasn’t a week that i didn’t go out or have overnights with them. it’s okay even if i didn’t get to save some bucks since we were not able to have lots of girl bonding last semester. i’m gonna miss our ‘talks'[haha. sa makasabot lang] and of course the feeling-rich-meals we always have. haha. ’til next time gals.. we need to be serious with studies now. [ows?]

christmas is approaching.. yeah. gifts. food. holidays. not that enticing for me.

argh. what i really wanted to post about was my rants about my CSc182!! turns out i wrote a life update.. haha.

i need to try to sleep again. babye.

– darksphere

on marky cielo’s death

the first time i heard about it, my first reaction was, “OMG, wala pa  mi nagkita sa personal! nganu namatay na man xa??” i’m a big fan of his. i cried on his winning moment in Starstruck. i admire his determination to reach his dreams and i admired him more for being a good role model to the Filipino youths of today. his dancing skills will blow you away. his acting, though he’s still new to showbiz, is good too. he’s one of my showbiz crushes. and when i heard about the news, i was really saddened. who would expect it? he was so young. he hadn’t even had his “biggest break” yet.

i still can’t believe he’s gone. i’m not a die-hard fan to the extent that i wouldn’t ever miss watching his shows or let an update about him slip away without me knowing. i don’t watch GMA shows now as much as i used to before. but whenever i have the chance, i take time to watch a show he’s in and evaluate how he’s improved and mind you, everytime i get to see him on TV, i always feel proud that i once voted for him in Starstruck. another interesting fact about him is that he is very proud of his Igorot roots. see? who wouldn’t fall for him? [gwapo na, maayo pa musayaw, and i believe he’s geneuinely nice a person. wala koy nadunggan na naintriga xa nga naay kaaway or something like that]

that’s it.. one minute he’s on TV, dancing.. the next, news about his death is airing… so sad. such a promising young soul… i hope you’re happy wherever you are..

death.. there’s always a reason for everything.. including death.. to others it may hurt like hell but we don’t know just why God permitted it.. and we have no right to question it. all that’s left to do is to live our lives.. live like you’ll die tomorrow.. live.  T.T

i’m so sad. dili man unta mi close. hahay.

[pinoy kaayo xag beauty. kasayang ba jud. tsk. tsk.]

image credits : pinoy.rickey.org, markycielo.net, [google images]

full news article : inquirer

may he rest in peace.

– darksphere

heart?

…Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s The Rainy Day

this is actually my favorite verse from a poem.

___________________________________________

no matter how the head tells the the heart,

the heart doesn’t seem to hear anything..

but what pleases its ears..

no matter how dark,

the eyes still sees everything it wants to see

because the heart draws the picture..

stupid nga heart.! magbuot buot!! T.T

– darksphere

sleep! you nocturnal chic!

i’m having a hard time thinking what topic this post will be about.. so here..

________________________________________________________________

Frustrated? It may be because you’re trying to make something happen that only God can make happen.

Whenever you are doing what God has called you to do, it is important to rely on His strength, His grace, and His power to complete your task. You will become frustrated if you try to make things happen on your own strength instead of relying on God. God is the author and finisher of His plans (Hebrews 12:2), and you must not try to take the place of God if you expect things to work out.

In Colossians 1:26-27, Paul reveals a mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations… Christ in you, the hope of glory. In other words, there is something that people of the past didn’t know—it was hidden from them, a mystery to them—but Paul is now revealing that mystery to us: Christ lives in all who believe in Him! No longer is God just with his people—God now lives in his people!

Also, note that it is Christ in you that’s the hope of glory—not Christ and you.

Paul then continues by saying that he labors and works for the gospel, but all of his labor is really done by Christ’s power, which so powerfully works in [him] (Colossians 1:29).

If you’re trying to labor without Christ’s power at work within you, then your labor will be frustrating and in vain. You need to stop trying, and start dying to self so that you may be alive to Christ’s power.

Struggle and frustration occur when you try to do God’s job by your own strength—rather than relying on Christ’s strength, which is at work in you.

________________________________________________________________

maybe i am.. sometimes you through difficult times that you must choose to go through it by yourself. . .

updates?

ugh. because of last semester’s activities, requirements, etc. my sleeping patterns got messed up. i became.. nocturnal. and it’s not a good thing. i want my old sleeping patterns back! so yeah. i tried last night. and it was a struggle!! hahaha. but really. it was. i slept at about 11 pm then i woke up at 12:30 because i thought it was already morning. i slept again and woke up again at 3. then at 4. ugh. my body got so used to have only 5 hours of sleep of even less. i need to sleep normally again. another struggle to face again tonight.

it’s the 2nd day of December. a few more days and it’s Christmas. how will i spend the holidays? i don’t know. same as last year maybe. then the same will happen next year.. the year after next.. . . .

school life’s starting to get serious.. last week we were loaded with lots of assignments. maybe this week, quizzes. ugh. i’m still adjusting and preparing myself for more 181-like situations. one more year.. just one more school year.. i need to carry on.. one more year and i’ll be saying bye-bye to school.

can’t seem to organize my thoughts today.. and i need to study.. so i’ll stop here.

-darksphere

Viva la Vida

WOW. i’m just amazed of this song. from how i found out about it and then to the lyrics. i’ve been so into Kpop music for the past 7 months. i didn’t even know that this song became number one in the US and UK charts AND this song became one of “the most successful songs of 2008.” the first time i read the lyrics, i did not understand it. i researched about the meaning of the song and dang i was bombarded with lots of links [thanks google, galibog kog samot haha joke] and when i read them, i figured that the meanings where so different in every site i opened. after playing it on repeats in my playlist and reading and rereading the lyrics, i realized that i also had a different understanding of the song. beauty is in the eye of the beholder. we judge, perceive, and understand something based on our experiences and because we have different experiences we have different judgement, perception, and understanding of a certain thing. so i did not bother to read the remaining links anymore. a poetry/lyrics/song becomes beautiful for us because of how we understand it – how our hearts relate to it.

here’s the lyrics:

VIVA LA VIDA - COLDPLAY

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemies eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the King!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can not explain
Once you know there was never, never an honest word
That was when I ruled the world
(Ohhh)

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People could not believe what I'd become
Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be King?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can not explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world
(Ohhhh Ohhh Ohhh)

Hear Jerusalem bells are ringings
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can not explain
I know Saint Peter will call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world
(Ooooh Ooooh Ooooh)

______________________________________________

thanks to bands like coldplay and lifehouse, my belief that there are still musicians nowadays who still strive to write beautiful and meaningful lyrics is still alive.

______________________________________________

carpe diem et tu memento mori – seize the day for you must remember tomorrow you die

viva la vida – live the life

______________________________________________

to the one who introduced me to this song.. indeed there are so many things about you that i still don’t know. you’re very deep.

______________________________________________

to myself : could this be the one?

– darksphere

PS : i don’t know how to upload an mp3 file here from my computer. listen to the song here or in imeem or esnips.

in the ice

i’m having a hard time organizing everything that runs back and forth in my mind right now.. for almost a week i’ve been a couch potato and i don’t like it. i go to school but we seldom have serious classes because it’s either the teacher doesn’t come or something’s going on like a program or celebration that we’re busy of. ugh. and i hate those times because of boredom. sometimes i think i got used to the chills, pressures and rush of our 181 fever. haha. i got too used to it that the past two weeks became the most boring moments of my whole 2008. argh. i’m happy that we’re through but.. ugh. i don’t know. either i got too used to the 181 fever OR i am really not happy with the path i’m on right now. no matter what, i need to convince myself that the former is the reason. maybe this is just because it’s still november and the semester hasn’t started ‘seriously’ yet. maybe. or maybe i chose the wrong major! haha. gawsh. what am i thinking!?

so to at least make my idle hours a little productive, i came back to studying Hangeul. i’m really serious now. [ows?] i bought a new notebook for my Korean lessons, transferred my old notes there [somewhat like a review also] and of course wrote new ones, and downloaded some pdfs as guides and references. i hope by summer i can watch Korean TV shows and comprehend even without subtitles. [weeeee!] i won’t be very strict to myself in speaking ’cause i know it’s really hard.. during Fullhouse, Hankyung has been living in Korea for two years yet he still speaks broken Korean. [makasabot lang ko ug Korean by summer payts na kaayo]

second semester.. new challenges.. new people..

love in the ice..

a need for a system overhaul..

– darksphere

passed

it’s 12:32 in the morning. i should be sleeping i know. but i can’t.  last night i also lacked sleep. this has been normal for me since the CSc181 fever. and now that WE’VE PASSED, i know i should be sleeping to compensate for the almost-two-month (or more) overnights, programming, and defense. gawsh. you can just imagine how stressful it was.

the subject taught me a lot. from the main objective of the course (believe me ti’m not referring to torture), to groupmates/classmates relationships, to your physical limits, to your spiritual, intellectual, and emotional aspects..

gawsh. i still can’t believe it’s over. all the tears i shed, all the sleepless nights, all the seconds that my head cannot rest thinking of triggers, business rules and ERDs.. all those times i doubted myself.. all those times spent in sadness and anxiety.. disappointments.. after two unsuccessful tries.. finally, we have completed CSc 181. when i got home up to maybe 3 hours after, a fixed smile is painted on my face and heart.. but at one point, i want to break down. i am so lacking. i don’t deserve this. how can you be so good? after all those times i spent downloading videos, checking SJ updates, watching movies, instead of focusing on the project..you still helped us. after all the doubts i had with myself, with people, with you.. you still carried me through. a lot of times, i got so weak and wanted to give up but i hesitantly chose to hang on to a very little faith.. you guided me.. comforted me.. thank you.. you know that what my heart really wants to say is deeper than that.

this is a chance.. an opportunity.. for me to strive to be better. i honestly don’t know if i can do it. i’m so afraid to waste this chance. you gave it to me even when around me, i see only reasons to give up and not to hold on. you really have a way of teaching me lessons and how to live life. i don’t know where this life will guide me. i don’t know what’s in store for me but now you made me feel so strong. so strong that i can tell the whole world to conspire against me and still i won’t feel down even a bit. thank you. i will never be a good girl. tomorrow maybe i’ll commit mistakes again.. but now i feel so secured and happy.. at the same time afraid.. i don’t understand what my heart wants to speak.

like i’m in my father’s lap.. ignoring the world’s problems.. thank you. it’s never enough. i’ll never deserve it. such an indescribable love..

tomorrow.. when i wake up, i hope this isn’t a dream.. i hope you will not get tired of hearing my rumblings yet still hug me with your unconditional love. i love you.

what’s your ambition?

i’ve got a lot.

DOCTOR/NURSE. yes. i dread blood but i like serving people and i especially love doing rounds in the hospital. weird ei?  it’s my ambition when i was a kid. when your parents and relatives ask you what you want to be when you grow up, the most common answer from kids is, “i want to be a doctor.. to cure the sick and help the poor.” haha! i wanted to be a doctor because i heard they have high pay and and i want to own a hospital. of course i’d like to heal people. this even became my motivation when i was in highschool. i studied hard and kept telling myself that i should because i will be a doctor someday and i will heal people especially those having cancer. oh. an oncologist. yes.

LAWYER. i have always been ‘maldita.’ when i was young some of my relatives told me that i should be a lawyer because of that and because whenever i get into trouble, i never run out of reasons to answer to my parents. and after i delivered my first speech, that was in kindergarten, all the more did they say that being a lawyer fits me because i’m good in memorizing. LOL. i didn’t want to take up law or any law-preparatory course because ever since, they said that taking up law will make you crazy because of the very very thick books you need to study and study by heart and you will need to memorize constitutions. dang. i hate reading books with no pictures. i makes me fall asleep. really. i enjoy reading children encyclopedias more than reading a novel. but as i grew up and got educated, i got really interested with politics and economy. i research sometimes in the internet( but not that thorough). and i enjoyed our political science class. when my college life was still easy, i try not to skip the evening or early morning news and watch documentaries about countries and leaders. i loved it. i’ve always hated those corrupt politicians that run my country and i’ve always said that if ever i’m going to be a politician someday, i will never take anything from the taxpayers’ pockets. i really want a better Philippines, honest politicians, strong economy, and a government that will lead the people to greatness and freedom not rubbish. LOL do i sound like politicking already? seriously, i want change. but i’m not a leader and i don’t think i have what it takes to be one. all i have? little knowledge about.. the 1987 constitution, some wars, biographies of some notable leaders.. lots of rants about useless politicians and policies. and my interest.. is it enough?

A HISTORY MAJOR. when i was in grade six, i almost fell out of the honor’s list because of a very low mark in Sibika at Kultura(is that civics and culture?? haha! i honestly don’t know but our lessons at that time covered the philippine history dicussed in bisaya and the textbook writtten in tagalog. i don’t mean to be un-nationalistic but can you imagine how boring that was?). i hated history then because it’s boring and if not for that low grade, i could have been… aw. ok. secret. fast-forwarding to my high school years, my teachers were <3. they made me appreciate history in the level that i did not expect i could. my Asian History (2nd year) was the best. for an early morning class, i could have slept and not listen but our teacher discussed to us as if she was telling a very interesting story. and i was amazed how she comes to class without bringing a book and discussing almost everything with just the aid of her memory and her maps. because of that, i did not fear history exams anymore. yes, memorizing was a little difficult especially the dates but honestly, i don’t memorize because i need to have answers for the quiz. i just read as if i’m reading the story of my ancestors and my family’s origins. on the days we have our quiz, my best friend and i come to school early to have a rundown of what we studied the night before – somewhat like a story-telling. i really enjoyed it. then came World History which was very interesting too. i found that bananas were the number one product for export in South America (did i remember it right?), that in Central America, rich civilizations also flourished and that there’s a lot to know about the Cold War and Russia (my report i think). In our 4th year, we had Economics. It was a little boring because of course there were computations and i hate Math. when i entered college, the first history subject i had was Life and Works of Rizal. the schedule made it boring and the fact that i took it during a summer term but i still enjoyed studying how normal and abnormal Rizal was and who made him “our foremost National hero.” then came History1(Philippine History), our teacher was.. gawsh. i can’t find the right words to describe him as a teacher. i REALLY learned a lot. plus. i was able to memorize the capitals of all the provinces of the Philippines. but now i can just remember maybe 60% of them. haha! my memory degraded ever since the internet invaded all my time to sleep. then there was History 3(MINSUPALA up to now i still cannot memorize the whole descriptive title of the subject haha! basta history of the indegenous people of Mindanao, Sulu and Palawan). i actually never listened to class since what we only did 90% of the whole semester was have reporting about all the tribes of MINSUPALA. duh. how boring. during history period, i am either watching videos or chatting about videos with my very talkative seatmeates. *coughs* so i am really amazed how i got my grade. haha! we did not even have major exams and quizzes. weird. i think the only significant thing i learned was about the Bangsamoros. their history really caught my attention especially that now, it’s the main issue here in the land i live in. i really love history. it was just this semester that i discovered that it’s what interests me most. but if i decide to major in history, where will i go? back in school teaching?

CHEF/RESTAURANT OR HOTEL OWNER. i love to eat and i love to learn how to cook. my mom used to bake cakes for us and cooks really delicious native Filipino foods. i want to be like her and i also want to have a restaurant or hotel of my own but i don’t think i’m good in business since i think i’m only good in spending money. haha! but what i love about being a proprietor is that i’m the boss and manager. and having food as your product, your business will never be out of the fad because all people eat and food will always be at the top of a man’s expenditure.

IT PROFESSIONAL. tada! finally, my course. when i was in grade six, computer became a necessity for me. back then it was just because of the games and the amusement that encarta and britannica encyclopedia softwares gives me. but during my fourth or third year in highschool(i think 3rd year we had Scheme dunno if i remembered it correctly) we started simple programming. at that time, my father was starting to convince me to have IT as my major in college. yes i loved computers, i love talking about new and advanced computer peripherals, i love the internet (who doesn’t?) and i love tinkling the intestines and organs of our desktop computer but programming really scared me that time. it was not only boring but also mind exhausting. i am not so good with “Logic and Algorithms” (i failed my IT110 you know. my very first major subject. demit. and i knew right then and there that IT was not for me). i carried on until my CSc121(Data Structures I) and i enjoyed CSc151(Database Systems) but i don’t think i learned anything from my CSc122(Data Structures II). the programming problems given to us were “HELLish” really. and the most.. stressing of all the subjects i’ve encountered.. *drumrolls* CSc181(Software Engineering).. gawd. my grade is still INC and i honestly don’t want to continue fighting for this subject anymore. i grew tired of forcing myself to learn and swallow VERY abstract things that programming teaches us. it’s just VERY ABSTRACT for me. before i entered college i though IT is just an easy course that will offer you great salaries years after but i was wrong. IT is waaaaay more complicated and difficult than Math. that’s just how i feel about it though. everyone has different interests so maybe how you feel about my course is the complete opposite. i definitely cannot fit in multimedia because i don’t have the creativity it requires and because of what’s going on in my IT life right now, i think i’m starting to hate programming and software developing. there’s only one more aspect that i haven’t had a bite of. computer networks. it sounds interesting. management, it interests me too. it’s an easy subject and you get to attend conventions and wear business attires. i love it. but i don’t think i could be a good manager. i have bad temper. haha.

honestly, i want to shift to history or political science now. but dang, i’m already enrolled for this semester. of course i need to finish IT even though i 80% of my mind thinks that i can’t make it anymore. it’s just too hard for my brain and whole system to handle. having an IT career is actually not my ambition. it’s never included in my list. my father convinced me to take up IT but as time passed by i got to like it too so don’t blame him. hehe. i am hating IT now because i hate being stressed caused by things that don’t interest me or maybe because i also hate failures. i don’t really know what i exactly want for a career. i will never be happy doing something i don’t love. but i NEED to finish IT because of the benefits it can give me and my family. i’m talking about money here. IT diploma + MSU-IIT’s seal is SOMETHING! nowadays, practicality matters more. so even though i know very well that i will enjoy writing papers and doing library works about history and politics MORE than self-teaching visual c#, php, and developing information systems for organizations or business enterprises i preferred to enroll yesterday. let’s just say i chose the long-cut and the more difficult road to my ambitions. *tears*

– darksphere

someday

..things will be better

..i will be brave enough to face you

..forgiveness will never be an issue

..i will be better

..i will deserve you affection and care

..i will not be afraid to face the consequences

..we will be better

..love will kiss all the hurt away

..we will be together.. again

when i’m better.. when i’m better..

so long for now..

someday.. when i’m better, we will be together again..

미안헤, 정말 미안헤..운니..

-darksphere

a little break?

after the unsuccessful defense, i cried my heart out. lucky for me i had beautiful friends and a great family who comforted me. i can’t say i’m ok now i’m still depressed but i decided to look on the bright side – i still have 3 days or so to spend a little semester break and i already did what our teacher wants to be corrected in our system. so what’s next? i need to wait for our next defense and that would be after enrollment period. i don’t know what subjects can i enroll to( since i still have this INC grade) or if i can still enroll. i really hope this will be over soon. i don’t want to be delayed. sighs.

yesterday was a blast. a lot of misfortunate events happened but we decided to just laugh it all off when we got home.

today, i don’t know what’s going to happen but i’m gonna enjoy the rest of my little sembreak. i hope i could hang out with my bestfriends. i miss them badly.

and i found this song! Rainbow by Southborder. Southborder’s one of my favorite OPM bands and i especially love this song. i need to listen to these kind of songs. my “uppers..” hehe! i’m listening to it now. here are the lyrics.

RAINBOW – SOUTHBORDER

Fallin’ out, fallin’ in
Nothing’s sure in this world no, no
Breakin’ out, breakin’ in
Never knowin’ what lies ahead
We can really never tell it all no, no, no
Say goodbye, say hello
To a lover or friend
Sometimes we never could understand
Why some things begin then just end
We can really never tell it all no, no, no

But oh, can’t you see?
That no matter what happens
Life goes on and on
So baby, just smile
Coz im always around you
And ill make you see how beautiful
Life is for you and me

Take a little time baby
See the butterflies’ colors
Listen to the birds that were sent
To sing for me and you
Can you feel me
This is such a wonderful place to be

Even if there is pain now
Everything would be all right
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me?
THERE’S A RAINBOW ALWAYS AFTER THE RAIN

Ohh, whoa

Hittin’ high, hittin’ low
Win or lose you should go, yeah yeah
Getting warm, getting cold
Weather could be so good or bad
But baby this is life now don’t get mad no, no, no

Coz oh, cant you see
That no matter what happens
Life goes on and on
So baby, please smile
Coz im always around you
And ill make you see how beautiful
Life is for you and me

Take a little time baby
See the butterflies’ colors
Listen to the birds that were sent
To sing for me and you
Can you feel me
This is such a wonderful place to be
Even if there is pain now
Everything would be all right
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me
There’s a rainbow always after the rain

Life’s full of challenges
Not all the time we get what we want
But don’t despair my dear coz I know now
You’ll take each trial and you’ll make it through the storm
Coz you’re strong, my faith in you is clear
So ill say once again this world’s wonderful and
Let us celebrate life that’s so beautiful, so beautiful
Ohhhh

Take a little time baby
See the butterflies’ colors
Listen to the birds that were sent
To sing for me and you
Can you feel me
This is such a wonderful place to be
Even if there is pain now
Everything would be all right
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me
THERE’S A RAINBOW ALWAYS AFTER THE RAIN..

i’m still blessed. 🙂

-darksphere