One of those days?

Is it one of those days again? Crap. I badly want to cry right now. I think I’m having those depressed/senti/emo moments again. As June ends, a new administration begins in the Philippines but as I looked back on what I did the whole month, the things I accomplished and did not, I realized I just wasted almost half of the month staying at home doing nothing and going out eating fast food and wasting money. T_T Another thing is my internet life (lol). I think my files, my accounts, are so cluttered, even my twitter feeds.. I have too many blog accounts, too many people I’m following, that I want to close them all and start a new account again. Oh God.. eotteoke?? Is it just one of those days? Or do I really need to de-clutter my online world now?

Maybe it’s time for some organizing and planning.. The next month, I should be productive. I want to have a job, or learn something new, a new hobby.. I want to be busy. And I want to have a clearer plan for my future already.. And by future, I mean the next 2 years.. I want to plan and make those plans come true.. *sigh* I don’t know if I’m just bored today, or if it’s just this crazy self-pity about me being an out-of-school youth this year.. But I badly need some positive changes in my life now.. I don’t to continue being a couch potato for the rest of the year.. I want to be productive.. T_T I need to look for ways to be productive..

I Conquered CCNA

June 8, 2010. I finally passed the CCNA exam.

It’s one of the greatest days of my life. The night before the exam I couldn’t sleep well because of fear that I might fail and just disappoint a lot of people again. On the other side of my head, I’ve been cheering myself up and saying I must pass it because it’s for my future, it’s for my dreams, it’s for my parents so they will be proud of me, and it’s for the people who never believed that I can make it, so I can prove to them they’re wrong. The morning came and I guess I was so excited that I arrived in the testing center earlier than expected. My schedule was still 2pm in the afternoon. But that day seemed to be full of flaws – on the bus ride, we had a lot of stops plus road constructions caused traffic, and when we arrived in the testing center, we were surprised that the first batch of CCNA takers for the day were not yet done taking the exam when in fact it was already almost 11am and it’s supposed to be time for the 2nd batch. Yes, I’m such a paranoid that maybe it’s a sign that everything will turn out bad for me. But I did my best to stop being nega. So the waiting game started. Then I found out I was going to be the last one to take the exam. I hated that feeling that I’m surrounded by people who were already done with their exams and are already CCNAs. Can you just imagine the pressure that was on me that time? I don’t want to disappoint everyone and it will be too painful for me to go home and be the only one who didn’t pass the exam that day. I texted my bestfriends and lucky me, they were really supportive and they are so good in cheering me up. Haha! Then my time came, the testing room did not look like how I expected it to be (actually the whole testing center was not how I imagined it to be). But it’s all good. I took the exam and I didn’t notice that I’m already on the 33rd item(there are only 50 items in the CCNA exam). And hey, there’s no ‘previous’ button to review my answer and thinking of how careless I am, I regretted answering so fast. But I’m thankful I answered all the questions but the last confidently. Tsk! I knew I’m gonna get stuck with VTP! Because I didn’t study that last set of notes that were given to us.. lol. Then after I pressed the last ‘next’ button of the exam, I was looking for a congratulations but I only saw my score. I passed. I couldn’t believe it. I did not know how to feel or say the moment I saw my score. Then the score sheet was printed and I saw the PASS sign. It was such a great feeling. I somehow wanted to get a perfect score though. I wanted to break a record and make our instructor happier but I didn’t. But what’s really important is that I passed! And it felt really great!

I’m so glad that all the hardwork on the reviews paid off. Aside from that, I’m so happy that the money my dad invested didn’t go to waste. And the best thing about it, I’m somehow secured of getting a good job after graduation. God is so good. He answered all of my prayers for that day. It was all because of Him that I conquered CCNA. It feels so good to write my name with CCNA in the end. Chaerin Kim , CCNA. lol. but of course that’s not my name. Haha!

Next stop was SM CDO. Thanks for the free ride, Sir! ^_^ I missed SM. haha! Last year, when I had my OJT, we went to SM CDO almost everyday since the company I had my internship on was just a few steps away from SM. Everything I saw the moment I entered SM reminded me so much of last year and my whole OJT experience. I miss my OJT-mates so much! And I felt so good that one year after our training at Concentrix, there I was already a CCNA. Just last year, we were doing inventory of the Training Dept’s Linksys devices, and listening to our trainers on the special lecture they gave us on the last few days of our OJT. And now, I already passed CCNA. My first step to more Cisco Certifications. :]

Then we met my friend’s brother and how lucky of us, we received Prince of Persia movie treat as congratulatory gift! Hahaha! Thank you Kuya! :] The movie was so good. And Jake Gyllenhaal was soooo sooo hot. Hahhaha!

On the bus ride home, I couldn’t take off my smile. It was such a happy day. And I really enjoyed malling with my 2 favorite girls who also passed the exam. :] I immediately texted my bestfriends and shared the good news and thanked them for their prayers. Thinking of how nervous I was a few days before the exam, I wanted to cry because of happiness and relief that it’s finally over. I finally passed.

CCNA is just my first step. After this, I want to take up CCNA Security(yup, ambisyon lagi nako mahimong secret agent nga IT expert, kay na inspire ko sa IRIS nga salida :P), then take CCDA, and hopefully CCNP. Phew. I still have a long long way to go but I’ll do my best. And everything is in God’s hands. As to where this first certification will take me, I’ll just let the tides decide. Let’s see. :]

I’m really really thankful that I finally found my happy place in IT. Thank you, Big Guy for showing me that this course is still meant for me even though I have always hated it.

To my family, I’m so thankful for all the support. Shouts out to my sisters who always cheers me on and my best friends who always believe in me.

To my mentors, my trainers, my instructors, thank you very much for being an inspiration not only to me but to all the people you impart your knowledge to. Your job is one of the best job in the world because rare are the teachers who actually teach to inspire and not just merely teach. Sir Pami, thank you! 🙂

To all my fellow new CCNA passers, congratulations to us and let’s keep on learning and aim for CCIE. (lol, CCIE.. it’s too far I know but they said if you dream, dream big right? :] )

Today, 4 days have passed, and I’m still in cloud nine.

Thank you God for helping me pass one of the most important tests of my life. :]

I’m still on the associate level but this is the best thing I have achieved and the first in my IT career, so thank you guys for being a part of it.

Ellen Mae A. Lacandula , CCNA

darksphere

Renewed.. Refreshed..

It’s been a while since I posted in this blog. I was thinking of closing this and switching to tumblr for my personal blog. But I realized that Tumblr is such a happy place and I feel that it’s not appropriate to post my rants and sentimental thoughts there. So here I am.. Back home.. hehe!

I just came back from a pre-summer retreat. Words are not enough to describe how I feel right now after that wonderful experience. It was just what I needed. Before the school year ended, I told myself that I’d look for a summer camp or summer retreat. I am looking for something that will change my life, divert me from depression because I can’t graduate, and just let me be away from worries, disappointments, and problems even for just a while. I received a message weeks back but since my family is Roman Catholic I was hesitant to attend. Though they did not disagree with me attending bible studies with Christians from other religions, they are very vocal in their opinions about that religion and always reminded me that I am still a Roman Catholic. So yeah, I have also been “away” from God for quite some time. I have not been feeding my soul lately. I’m also very anti-social and an introvert so I was sort of scrared that if I go, there might be a lot of people that I don’t know and I might feel out-of-place. Good thing I was able to overcome my hesitations and went to the retreat.

I’m so happy and blessed for that wonderful weekend. I was able to talk to Him again heart-to-heart. I poured my heart out and cried. I wanted that retreat. I wanted a trip away from the face of disappointment I see in the mirror everyday. I wanted some time to talk to Him, and think about everything that happened, how it happened, and what I’m going to do in the future. I’ve been breezing through all the uncertainties, disappointments, and failures because I didn’t want to show to my family how weak I am. It was definitely not an accident that I came to that retreat. It was part of a plan. It feels so good to be free from the loads I’ve been carrying for months. It feels so good to meet new people. It feels so good to give thanks and offer Him songs of worship again. I’m so undeserving but He loves me. When I reach for Him, He takes my hand and carries me. No one else can love me with a love so great other than Jesus. I’m so inspired and my spirit is refreshed and renewed..

frustrated..

i claimed this year to be my year but why are these things happening now? we’re still not done with our thesis, i might not graduate, and Super Junior is coming to Manila for Super Show 2 and I have no money. T___T

no matter how i try to be optimistic of what will happen in the next 3 months i’m so afraid.. of failing again and of missing the concert i’ve been dreaming to attend..

i still believe things will turn out fine..  i feel like my head is going to explode everytime i think of all these problems.. i can’t even solve my postgresql trigger problem. this is just so… frustrating. T____T

no matter what, 2010 is still gonna be my year. it’s still january and too early to say that the rest 2010 will turn out bad.

here’s one of my favorite songs from Super Junior..everything will be okay.. aja!!

Super Junior – Wonder Boy

(Lyrics English Translation)

You can choose your future
The concept of your life
I’m doing well, I’m a fine person.
Trust yourself. Look into the mirror
With the light glimmering around
You as you smile

There could be a sad memories that make you cry
Don’t forget that you have a shoulder to lean on in this world
I have the whole world in my heart…
Lets keep running. For tomorrow, for our future
To become a shining light under the sun
I’m Wonder Boy! Yeah!

He always has a secret but it’s
Easy to find the answers dance with me.
Just move your body to the music.
Don’t be afraid, Girl
You don’t have to fear
Anything except fear itself

There could be a sad memories that make you cry
I’m the one who’ll start and end it.
Let there be light and become a shining star
The sun is welcoming me with rays of light…
I just need one umbrella and that’ll be fine
Don’t hide your tears from me. Yeah!
You can lean on my shoulder and cry out loud
Looking at the crimson red sun setting in the sky…

It’s a spectacle that the heavens have given me
There’s no end. A bright future lies ahead of you
The sun bathes me with it’s warm light under the blue sky
I just need one umbrella and that’ll be fine
To become a shining light under the sun

Lalala, lalalalala, lalalala,
Lalalala, lalalalala, lalalalala

The sun is welcoming me with rays of light…
I just need one umbrella
And that’ll be fine
I’m Wonder Boy! Yeah!

today is bestfriend’s day?

my day kind of started a little wrong. i slept the whole morning instead of studying. i ended up waking up too late to attend my first class so i missed a quiz. i took a prelim exam on business law and i had no sure answer. i was surprised because i thought the teacher said we’re having a quiz today. totally unprepared. pft.

but when i was going home from school, i met my elementary bestfriend. my ride home seemed too fast. i had a great conversation with her whom i haven’t talked to in a very long time. i wish we had more time.

it’s really amazing how friendships stand the test of time. i’m so glad that after many years, the friendship is still intact. when we talk it feels like we’re the 10 year-olds who just worry about our grades again.. i’m so happy that nothing has changed with the friendship we built a decade ago. she’s still the talkative and witty girl she used to be. and she still amazes me.

we may have grown a lot and have had a lot of experiences away from each other but when we chatted it feels like we never left each other’s side. we’re still the simple girls who don’t care about the mean girls at school as long as we got each other’s back. it’s unexplainable how we’ve stayed friends this long though we used to be cats and dogs back then. we’re still unbreakable and inseparable. i hope we will always be.

friends are truly the greatest treasures one can have in this life.

today i met my elementary best friend and had a great chat with my highschool and forever best friend. such a happy day ender.. 2 of the best girls in the world! 🙂

It’s 2010

Happy New Year everyone! It’s a bit late I know, I’m sorry. Belated Merry Christmas too.

There’s so much I want to write about my Christmas break/holidays. I had an amazing Christmas break even though it didn’t start so good because I wasn’t able to finish 9 mornings. As usual, it was only me and my sisters who celebrated the Christmas break and with my step mother. In the morning of the 24th everyone was busy preparing for the Noche Buena, then, we attended the Christmas Eve mass and it was one of my favorite masses of 2009. It was a very happy christmas for us and for everyone in the neighborhood, and all of us I hope. The last day of 2009 was quite dramatic for me. I was expecting and been really looking forward to watching fireworks after the mass outside the church but early in the evening it rained really hard so we were not able to go to church for the New Year’s eve mass and of course, I missed the fireworks display. I was so sad about it and since it was raining I thought it was such a sad way of welcoming 2010. But the mood suddenly changed when we started hearing firecrackers and loud music, and the rain slowly stopped. To my surprise we have a number of neighbors too who had fireworks so I was so happy that I didn’t miss the fireworks display after all. Then we Karaoke’d and danced ’til 4 am.

Over all, it was a very fun-filled Christmas and New Year. I have never enjoyed the holidays this much after my mom died and my sister and her family left our house. I guess it’s really true that time can heal everything, and someday everything with fall into their proper places. Also happiness is a choice. For the past Christmases, I always whined about why we are left alone in our house while other families enjoy being together celebrating Jesus’ birthday. Last Christmas was completely different. The 3 of us (me and my sisters) just let everything up to God and never worried about being alone on holidays anymore. I really enjoyed my holidays. And on New Year’s eve after the Media Noche, my year started with a beautiful heart-to-heart talk with my father. It was one of the most precious gift I received for the holidays. Material gifts, my family, fireworks, food, Jesus – I couldn’t ask for more. It was one of my happiest Christmas and New Year ever. Though I still wish to spend my future Christmases with my dad with us and of course, snow. I really want to experience a White Christmas someday!!  I’m so jealous of my friends in Korea who had snow since December and until now. Though of course it’s a nuisance for them because it’s hard to travel to school or work when it’s snowing.

The gifts I received last Christmas were beautiful too (the material ones, I mean). I did not have a list of the things I wanted to receive this year. Before, I always have a list before Christmas even though I know I won’t receive them all. I don’t know why I was like that. Maybe because after a month or years, looking at it and seeing some of those I listed already present in my room makes me feel really happy. I’ve been writing “laptop” on my lists for years and finally I got it on 2008. From the smallest things like toys when I was younger to the laptop and internet connection, I’m glad that slowly they are coming true. hahaha! I think I should start writing “house and lot,” “car” and audi turbocharger next Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll have it but of course I have to work for it. It took me years to be deserving of my beloved lappy you know.

Well it’s back to school now so I’m back to studying and battling with endless quizzes and exams again. Tomorrow I have 2 exams so I need to get started in studying now.

I hope you had a great Christmas and New Year Celebration guys.

Happy 2010 and may we have a happy and prosperous year of the metal tiger! 🙂

-darksphere

special treatment

It’s already 1 am and Gabe’s songs are still playing on Youtube. I can’t sleep. I hate having colds. I would rather have fever than have colds. Today I fixed our desktop computer. It’s been bugging us for days now but I only spared some time for him this afternoon. I knew he only needed cleaning so “operated” him again. But I have this allergy that just surfaced now as in this year(after 19 years of my existence). I’m now allergic to dust, strong perfumes, and the smell of soaps. What a terrible life. I now hate cleaning and tinkling computers and its parts because of this. And I hate hate hate the soap section of the grocery.

Phew. I didn’t hate being sick when I was younger. Before, I thought I’m lucky when I get sick because I don’t get to help in household chores, parents wont let me run errands, and I don’t get scolded when I tease my sisters. hahaha! And, my favorite part of the special treatment, is when they ask me, “What do you want? We’ll buy it.” hahaha! Then of course I ask for my favorite fruits and other food that I love. (Why didn’t I ask for toys?? shtupid. or did i?) I guess it’s a bribe for the very all the more sickening antibiotics and Calpol. You get to sleep in your parents room too. It feels so secure there.

But when you get old, it’s hard to get sick. Not only that it’ll affect your studies or work but it’s sad to get sick when you get old. No more special treatments, you get advice to take your medicines and when you ask they’ll prepare you lemon juice. But that’s it. It’s sad to get sick when you’re not a baby anymore. A warm blanket is the only special treatment you get. But it’s okay when you know that it’s your mom’s blanket. It’s okay if the song on background is you dad’s favorite tracks. Feels like the old times. Only now you’re alone.

So from Gabe’s Chasing Pavements cover, I have finished downloading Adele’s album and Make You Feel My Love is playing now. My nose is a bit cleared and better. Gotta go to sleep and hope tomorrow no more sick feeling for me.

ps. i still tease my sisters though. hahaha! one thing that didn’t change. i still enjoy making fun of them. whether i’m sick or not. hhahaha!

happy december!

It’s this time of the year again! My second favorite time of the year(next to summer) is Christmas.

I just love waking up on cold mornings. But sometimes because of the cool morning air, I tend to curl up back to sleep then run late in my classes. Other than the cold mornings, I’m excited for Christmas because of the break, the food, and the gift-giving.

Philippines is probably the only country I know that celebrate Christmas the longest. Most of the people start decorating their houses in September and take down the decorations in the second week of February. For our house, we put up our Christmas tree last week after the Halloween. Last year, our theme was blue and silver but this year we sticked to the red-green-blue theme and added a little gold and silver accent. We also had more Christmas lights this year so I really feel happy looking at the tree and the decorations at night.

Christmas break also means that my friends who are not studying in Iligan are coming home, and of course, the annual school alumni homecoming. Last year, I was not able to attend but this year, I will definitely go because I already miss hanging out with my highschool buddies.

Oh I forgot about the Christmas shopping! It’s one of the reasons why I love Christmas too. Christmas means lots of sales in the malls! Even though it will be crowded during Christmas sales, I enjoy seeing people on the rush to find something to give to their families, friends, and godchildren. I think the crowd and the long lines at the cashier complements the Christmas songs playing at the malls and the Christmas decorations that can be seen everywhere.

It’s really Christmas in just a few days. But I’m not as excited as last year.. Because despite the happiness I feel in the air, it’s still feels lonely deep inside because my family won’t be complete.

Just like all the Christmases my family had for the past 9 years, my parents will not be with us. So it will only be me and my 2 sisters who will celebrate Christmas again. It’s lonely even though we have been already used to it. I hope next year my dad will come home for Christmas. For now, we need to endure spending Christmas on our own. I hope next year he’ll come home and I’ll definitely do my best to cook a very tasty Hamonada. hahaha! (coz actually, last year, i failed. hahaha!)

that's me and my sisters with our cute christmas tree. this was taken on the new year's eve of 2009

For the Philippines, I know a lot may not have a grand celebration this Christmas because this year have been very tough a year for us. The loss of an ex-president, the typhoons, the economic crisis(which is happening all over the world), and the Maguindanao Massacre(which I am going to talk about in my next post) really put the Filipino people to the test. But Filipinos are happy and hopeful people, we are known to be very positive even after the troubles so I believe, even though our Noche Buena will not be as grand as last year, the true meaning of Christmas will prevail in the hearts of the Filipino people.

our Christmas tree for this year

advance merry christmas everyone!

– darksphere

a friend, a lover, a travelmate..

I miss being in love. I miss smiling for a cute gesture. I miss daydreaming. I miss singing lovesongs while cleaning my room.

Being in love is one of the nicest feelings in the world. When you feel it, you think there’s no tomorrow. When you’re in love you spend a lot of time being unproductive at work or at school but it’s not a big deal for you because no matter how bad your day is, it will always end up great because of him. You mess up at work or school but just a simple smile would take all the frustrations away.

Being in love, for me, is like sitting in the beach, enjoying the beauty of the sunset. Just staring at the beautiful colors of the sky, feeling the wind, listening to the music of the waves, sipping a glass of wine, forgetting about the rest of the world and its problems – you smile like you’ve never been in pain, you’re in love.

Isn’t it great? You wake up in the morning knowing that your day will always end right despite the troubles that might come and distract you.

Being in love, is like travelling – riding a bus, looking forward to your destination, feeling the wind of the new place, being excited of what’s to come, not fearing of getting lost, not caring about how long the ride may take, just enjoying the company of the wind, your map, and your dreams.

Love, for me, is the ride of your lifetime, the travel destination of your dreams.

At first, you imagine it, you research about it, you get excited about getting there, you are motivated to go there, you work hard to get there. Then, you achieve it, you get there, you enjoy it, you do whatever you can not to lose your dream. Sometimes, you will need to go home. But you will long for it again, and you go back – you go back to the place you have dreamed of and have become your happiness, your dream come true.

It’s a lot like friendship too, love.

You need a friend to have friendship, someone to experience loving, and a travelmate to enjoy the ride. I want my next love to be a friend, a lover, and a travelmate.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. so cheezy. i’m in love but to no particular person. i just miss being in love.. i still have a lot to learn.. i don’t know if i’m ready. but i think i’m willing to try.. experience dictates that i should not rush things again.. now, friendship is the best that i can give and am willing to receive..

It’s Depressing

There’s not much going on these days, lots of suspensions of classes, lots of lazy days for me, and lots of food trips. We also have lots of school requirements to pass but I haven’t started doing one – lazy days, lazy days.. When will I ever stop cramming? It’s already rooted in my system ever since highschool. I can’t generate good ideas anymore unless it’s the eleventh hour. Just as what my teacher once said, “deadlines make miracles.” I know I should change this. I hate being almost-late but I like the rush of beautiful ideas during deadlines. hahaha!

Kpop scene is depressing. Jaebum left for Seattle last last week leaving 2PM without a leader and one member less. That’s not 2PM anymore right? Sigh. I’m actually upset with Korean netizens for making such a big issue about those MySpace comments. I mean if I were a Korean, I’d also be mad about that but considering that those comments were written years ago, and after reading Jaebum’s explanation, I’d forgive him. I understand what he was going through that time enduring a very stressful training away from home without even an assurance that all his hard work will pay off. Also, even though he’s Korean, he was basically new to Korea that time and found it hard to adjust to a culture so different from American culture where he grew up. I just think that Koreans were really really unfair to him. 2PM activities were also postponed and appearances of other members in shows(regular shows and guestings alike) were called off. Well, he voluntarily left the group and abandoned his position so I’ll respect that. He needs time to be away and reflect too. On the other hand, the controversy involving TVXQ and SM Entertainment also worries me. I don’t want TVXQ to separate. They’re the best Korean boyband I know in terms of singing abilities. And after so many years of being together and so many albums they released, it would be really hurtful for fans like me to see them break up. I’m not saying they are on the verge of breaking up but logically, if the two parties cannot have an agreement that will settle the issue about TVXQ’s “slave contract” with SM, I don’t think it’s possible that Changmin and Yunho will stay at SM and Micky, Xiah and Jaejoong will leave SM and they’ll still be TVXQ! There are even rumors that their upcoming performance might be their last performance together as TVXQ. Oh no. I pray that it won’t happen or they will break millions of hearts of the biggest fan club in the world.

Well, enough of being a fan girl, last week, I said a lot of hurtful things to someone. I hoped he’d understand but I he didn’t. I am trying my best not to regret those words even though it’s so hard. It’s been a long and difficult battle doings things you know you’re not happy with and trying to be the best in a field I don’t really like just to please people. I messed up a lot of times. I always mess up but I’m so tired of wondering if I’d still mess up this big had I taken the road my heart wants to follow. I know I hurt him but I’ve been hurting too. I’m just so tired and so fed up with all these frustrations. Now, I am on reflection slash soul-searching mode. hehe. And I hope I’ll get through this soon. I know I can. These trials will just pass. I’m thankful I have good friends who never leaves my side and never tires to listen and advice me.

Sigh. Such an emo post I have there. I’m depressed so bear with me. I’ll be okay soon.