A Sorry Heart

Wonder Girls’ Mianhan Maeum (A Sorry Heart) still brings pain to my heart whenever I hear it.. This song perfectly describes how I feel towards someone a few months ago. Maybe until now.. Whenever I remember him, I still feel sad about what happened. I hope he’s happy now and I hope he finds that special girl soon. He’s such a precious soul and I didn’t want to let him go but I just know it’s not gonna work. He gave me the attention I want and all the understanding I needed and I am super thankful for that but I can’t be selfish. I don’t love him. I can’t give him the kind of love he deserves. Haven’t talked to him for months now.. I wish I can bring back the wonderful friendship we had.. Maybe someday.

To you, I’m sorry for everything and I’m sorry for not telling you I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry.

I want to share this diary entry/blog post supposed to be.. haha! I wrote this one night when I was trying my best to sleep and discard all the thoughts that are haunting me, the time when I was at war with myself because I didn’t know if the decision I was supposed to make is right. (September 2010)

You messed up. You kept reminding yourself from the start that this shouldn’t be taken seriously. At one point, weak as you are, you fell and you were flattered. Then you got back to your senses and realized it wasn’t real. You realized that it’s just one of those ‘awww-he-likes-me-what-if-he’s-the-one’ episodes. Maybe it’s your insecurities. You felt amazed that someone actually could overlook your flaws. But no. The truth remains that you’re too complex to be fully understood by someone like him. And that he’s not the one. Then you begin living again knowing that truth and you moved on. But it was not that easy for him because maybe for him it looked like you lead him on. You explained and things got shaky. The friendship where you started from is at risk. You’re so afraid that what happened in the past is starting to happen again. So you cut it off and ended it. Were you too picky? Did you misread the signs? Or this is what you get after being too cautious and over analyzing things? The truth today is, nothing’s ever gonna be the same again. And though it’s not the romantic attachment you thought at first, you got attached. And you, my dear self, failed.

Awwww. If ever the one I’m referring to in this post is you, reader, hahaha! Please know that I’m not trying to make an issue about the past here or anything.. It’s just me being me.. Putting into writing everything I feel because I don’t know if the people I’ll tell it to personally can understand them.. You can just ignore this and live your life. It’s just me being nostalgic. It’ll pass a few minutes or hours later I know.. BUT.. I really hope he won’t see this.. haha!

Happy Father’s Day Tatay!

“I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger.”

– The Best Day by Taylor Swift

My father’s phone call woke me up today. It’s just so nice to hear his voice. But because I was still so sleepy, I forgot to greet him a Happy Father’s Day. I’m so sorry Tatay and Happy Father’s Day.

I was browsing through the status updates in Facebook and saw a lot of father’s day greetings. Then I realized a lot of people I know didn’t grow up with their father by their side. It must be very hard for them. I couldn’t imagine growing up without him.

I’m so thankful that I have the best dad in the world. Many people misunderstand him, including me sometimes, but I know he’s always thinking of what’s good for me and my sisters. I know he loves me so much. I have failed him so many times but he’s still on my side, guiding me. I lived half of my life without him by my side physically. It was very hard too. It’s still isn’t easy even today. But as what mom and he used to say, it’s for me and my sisters. I think of all the boys in my life, he’s the only one I could really trust. They say I resemble him a lot. My mom and my eldest sister says I even got much of his attitude. I used to be very close to him before he left to work abroad but after a few years a lot of things have changed and sometimes it makes me sad that we’re not as close anymore. I hope he’ll come home and just stay here for good. I want to make up for the years we didn’t spend together. I have always been asking him about that but he says it’s not yet time. Well, that’s true, my sisters are still studying and we still couldn’t manage if he’s gonna stop working now. Sometimes I really hate the fact that we can’t be together because of money. But I know it’s useless – all the blaming. Because here we are, we survived all the storms so far including the 1 decade of living away from each other.

So tatay, I have a lot of unsent letters for you. I’m so sorry I never had the guts to give it. But I hope you’ll get to read this, I love you so much and thank you for everything. Thank you for taking care of me, my sisters, and nanay, and thank you so much for putting up with me despite all my failures. And thank you for being so brave in facing life without mama just for me and my sisters.

Sorry..

it’s been too long since my last blog post. i’m so lazy. i hate that i always say i’ll do this and that and i end up not doing anything. errrrr.. i’m beginning to really really hate planning.. i enjoy making plans of what to do, but when unexpected circumstances arrive, i can’t follow my plans anymore and i end up disappointing myself… or somebody else.. i just hate it.

i’m pretty active in twitter because it’s for lazy person like me. hahaha! who are too lazy to write a blog post.. so if you want to follow me there, go and hit the follow button.. but expect a lot of pretty random rants of how my day went.. or spazz tweets about my favorite kpop artists..

hmmm.. til here for now.. i hope i’ll get the courage to write again.. or better yet, i hope i’ll overcome my laziness so i can write decent posts again.. haha!

annyeong!

Just When..

I want to get serious, seems like the world is conspiring to get even with me. Argh.

Today I got a good and a bad news. The good news is that I’m going to General Santos City soon.Yay! It’s for my Network Administration subject though and we’re not going there to have sight-seeing but to design their local area network. wow. We sound so professional. hahaha! We’re just going to get pictures and see their current network design and inventory on the networking devices they are using. When we get back here, we’ll use the data we gathered for our paper.Different groups will go to different campuses of MSU System then we will put together all our designs to make the design of the whole MSU System. I’m excited! It’s been a long time that I haven’t been there. I wish I could get to see my cousins and relatives who are living in a nearby town. I’m also excited because it’s gonna be a long long travel by bus. I just love travelling by bus.. Especially the Bukidnon-Davao areas.. *daydreaming on my annual davao trips with family* *sigh* i miss davao.. i miss travelling!

Now to the bad news.. I think I’m not going to graduate this coming March. ㅠㅠ.

I won’t talk about this anymore because I don’t want to be stressed. But still I will do everything I can to graduate. hmm.. now I’m facing the consequences of my laziness.. phew. i hope I can still get a chance.. but if not.. it’s a lesson I must learn..

Okay.. gotta go to bed now. I need to stop thinking about what to do next semester if I don’t graduate this March!

PS. i will try to write more often.. that’s a promise for myself. i need to improve my writing.. 🙂

hmmm.. who isn’t addicted to this song?

– darksphere

of love and the one

do you believe in destiny? do you believe that someday, somewhere, there’s someone that you are meant to be with for the rest of your life if not forever? these are the questions i often ask those people around me. some said yes, some said destiny is a lie. i often ask myself these questions too. and i’ve always been consistent.. so far. haha! but i wasn’t consistent on the reasons.. on my reactions..

there’s this one show i watched today, it’s a series actually, and i’m following it, it’s about two souls that met during their childhood days and got separated by circumstances [maybe fate]. and met again, they didn’t know that they’ve already met.. they don’t recognize each other anymore. but they’re still waiting for each other, believing that he is the “one” for her and she’s the “one” for him. hmmm.. i just got reminded of how i see matters like that a few weeks back..

what’s the story? i wouldn’t dig into the details. but let’s just say there’s someone that all these years i’ve been considering as “the one” for me. a childish love but i took seriously. a lesson to be learned, but i dwelt at too much. too much that even though i was doing fine, i know the world continued living and there’s one part of me that stopped and was stranded. it was unhealthy. i thought it was the right thing to do because i believe in destiny, in fate, and i believe that everything i was doing with him in mind will eventually lead us back to where we are destined to be. [or what i believed we were destined to be.] hmmm.. in each other’s arms? haha! silly, but yes, that’s what i imagined it to be. that all of these are just tests, and just streets we need to walk through, that in the end, it’s still gonna be us. of all the things that i don’t have confidence in doing, that belief was one of the few ones i was sure of. i continued of living, i moved on, i didn’t feed my broken heart. because deep down in me, was that strong inspiration.

then out of nowhere, in the midst of all the crowd dancing, alcohol pouring, and smoke in the air, i ended up crying and saying his name. that’s when i realized that even though i was okay, i wasn’t in pain, i was hopeful and happily waiting for him, but i was putting myself into a prison that i myself made. a prison built by lies. because i just didn’t want to accept that that’s the end of my story. because i still believed in fairy tales, in Korean love stories, that  i thought i despised. i kept on thinking, why and how it happened, and i found out why – why i am still living in despair, even though i’m so good in hiding it. but i didn’t find out how it happened, and i think it’s going to be harder if i bother tracing.

so from then on, i decided to accept it, that that’s really how it ends and that you should not wait for people, for circumstances, and for time, to put and end to your story. your death or you loved ones death should determine the end of your story. because not all stories end when death comes, and some continue after death, some end before it. why death? because, i thought my life is the also the lifeline of my story. i didn’t understand that my life is my time, and throughout my time, i make my stories, lots of stories – thousands of starts and endings..and it took me a while to realize that. but it was worth it.

some stories may end up happy, some stories don’t. that’s a fact.

i still believe in destiny. i still believe in “the one.” but the difference now is that my story featuring him as “the one” have ended. and it was a happy ending.

i still believe in destiny. i still believe in “the one.” and i’m still open to the possibility the he might still come into my life again. our story has ended. but my life is my time, another story can start.

one really must know when to let go – when to end a story, flip a page, and start again.

so for that drama that i’ve been following, i can’t say that they’re wrong or right because it’s a drama, a show. there are things that only happen in dramas. but if it happens in someone’s life, let’s just say… that’s their story. that’s where choice meets destiny. that’s how they chose their story to be.

i still believe in destiny. i still believe in “the one.”

– darksphere

my current kpop playlist..

Invisible Person (투명인간) – Son Dam Bi

>> this one of my favorite Kpop songs. will never be erased from my playlist.

Nothing Better – Jong Yup (Brown Eyed Soul)

>> it was sung by JongHyun of  SHINee, Seulong of 2AM, and Nichkhun of 2PM. But the original version of Jong Yup is the best. I love the piano background.

Love is all lie (사랑..다 거짓말) – Lyn

>> this one will also be in my playlist forever. hehe. i love Lyn’s voice and the lyrics.

A Goose’s Dream – Insooni

>> my life’s current theme song. Enough said.

Don’t Go, Don’t Go – Brown Eyes

>>one of the best Korean Ballads i’ve heard.

I Have a Lover  (애인 있어요) – Lee Eun Mi

>>Great voice, great song, plus, the lyrics

Eotteokkhajyo  – Jisun

>> It’s from Boys Over Flowers OST Volume 2.

I Know – Someday

>>Another favorite from Boys Over Flowers OST Volume 1.

talk about rain, and pillows, and being alone. hahahaha! yes, i love ballads. perfect for relaxation. just don’t dig through those heartaches and enjoy the music. (haha if you can do that.)

an award

wooooot! i haven’t posted for a while. it’s because i’m really busy with school requirements and other matters [haha to be discussed on the next post].

i received an award from a former classmate.. thanks daj!

when i opened this wordpress account, i thought i should make this a money-generating blog. haha. yes. but i ended up making it a personal blog. another blog to put in my list of personal blogs. i actually have a long list since i always forget my account names and passwords so i always open a new one everytime i feel like writing. hahaha. it was not my intention to let my close friends or those who know me personally, to know about this since i know that there will come a time that they will become one of the subjects of a post or two. but then i thought it could be a nice way for them to know  the things that i really want them to know but i can’t say so i shared the link.

i found new friends through this blog. weeee! and i’m so thankful for the comments i receive.. it’s always nice to hear other people’s perspectives on the topics i’m ranting about and the advices some readers give.

tenen! so now it’s my turn.. i am awarding the following bloggers the uber amazing blog award!

1. Procne
2. Leia
3. Monick
4. Ate Eden
5. Ate Cher
6. Gik
7. Sir Cyrus

Uber (synonym to Super) Amazing Blog Award is a blog award given to sites who:

~ inspires you

~ makes you smile and laugh

~ or maybe gives amazing information

~ a great read

~ has an amazing design

~ and any other reasons you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

The rules of this award are:

* Copy the badge and put the logo on your blog sidebar or post.

* Nominate at least 5 blogs (can be more) that for you are Uber Amazing!

* Let them know that they have received this Uber Amazing award by commenting on their blog.

* Share the love and link to this this post and to the person you rceceived your award from.

* Come back and comment here so that your link could be added to the masterlist of awardees

friends..

they come and go.. it doesn’t really matter who stays right? it doesn’t matter who’s by your side yesterday, today, tomorrow.. it doesn’t matter who’s with you when your happy or sad. what is important is how you feel about them and how much of you that you give to him/her.

sometimes, you need to let some people you love go so that they’ll grow. because you are not God, you cannot provide everything they need. dang! i remember a poem by Naomi Long Madgett that we took up in high school.

Much growth is stunted by too-careful prodding
Too-eager tenderness.
The things we love we have to learn to leave alone.

people change.  it hurts that you don’t understand why you’re hurt when it’s not your life anyway. gah. that’s what you get when you let yourself get too attached to people. you can’t expect too much. you’ll just need to stay behind that boundary line. it hurts more.

people change. it hurts that you can’t tell them to stop because you don’t know what’s their real story. maybe some circumstances changed them. you want to tell them it’s not right anymore – that it’s so unlikely of them to be living their lives like they do now. but you have no right.

just venting it all out.

there have been a lot of thoughts i want to share..

all stored up.

i’m afraid the room won’t have enough space anymore.

i hate keeping it all in.

but then.. despite everything.. i’m still that same person you guys used to know. or maybe i’ve also changed. unsa man jud. wa pud ko kabalo ako ba nagchange or akong palibot. gi atay. tulog nako oi. nakalimot ko sa akong ipang ingon.

whatever.

all i know is that, i miss the old times. and even though i partly wanted this.. hehe i did not expect it would sting me.

whatever.

all i know is that, i tried my best.. to understand..

——————–

haha. instead of studying, here i am wrapping up my post. what i don’t like about free writing is the main thought of “just letting everything flow into words..” whatever. even thought i want to erase everything now and hit cancel, a thought is stopping me.. “if i wait.. what if i forget about it again.. why prolong discard the agony today and re-live it tomorrow right? .. ” hay tomorrow.. mawala ra ni tanan. tulog ray katapat ani.

– darksphere

Goodluck!

Jarhaebwa(do your best/do well). My favorite Super Junior H song. the beat.. the melody.. the lyrics.. the lyrics..

Super Junior Happy – Goodluck

[ALL+SUNGMIN] Just meet up once, get to know each other, good luck!

[SUNGMIN] Let me introduce you to this guy
He’s handsome but he’s single
He’s a good person, a loyal and true friend

[KANGIN] But he seems to be struggling with the past hurts of love, still
Will you be his shining light? Will you be his new hope?

[ALL+LEETEUK] Just meet up once, get to know each other, good luck!
[LEETEUK] He’s my most precious, best friend
[ALL+LEETEUK] May only the best memories, and the happiest love
[LEETEUK] Always be remembered
Good luck, good luck this time
(Oh, oh~ baby, my friend, oh, oh~ baby)

[YESUNG] My heart seemed impossible to love again, but love has come to me again
She is to me someone I will take care of, someone I will protect, a good person

[EUNHYUK] She will embrace into your empty chest softly, I think you really need her
How about you really try it hard this time, my friend?
[SHINDONG] Meet her up again, good luck! You two are the object of everyone’s envy. No one will make a more beautiful couple than you two in the world

[ALL+LEETEUK] Just meet up once, get to know each other, good luck!
[SUNGMIN] He’s my most precious, best friend
[ALL+LEETEUK] May only the best memories, and the happiest love
[KANGIN] Always be remembered
Good luck, good luck this time

[YESUNG] She is beautiful, and the more I get to know her, the nicer she seems
([SUNGMIN] We know. What did we tell you?) Thank you for introducing her to me

[ALL+YESUNG] Just meet up once, get to know each other, good luck!
[ALL] Meet up, get to know each other, good luck!
[SUNGMIN] He’s my most precious, best friend ([EUNHYUK] Oh, my friend) ([YESUNG] Hey, best friend)
[ALL] May only the best memories, and the happiest love
[LEETEUK] Always be remembered, good luck
[YESUNG] Good luck this time

[ALL] Just meet up once, get to know each other, good luck!
He’s my most precious, best friend
[LEETEUK+YESUNG] May only the best memories, and the happiest love
[YESUNG] Always be remembered
Good luck, good luck this time. I’ll do my best, this time

hahahah goodluck!

-darksphere

untitled?

it’s 3 am and i’m awake. i slept early last night. yep, my old sleeping patterns are back. not. haha. i CAN sleep early now BUT i also wake up very early. haha. it’s no use i think. because to sum it all, i still get the same total hours of slumber. how sad. but.. maybe i should dwell on the brighter side.. i slept early last night. haha.

school’s starting to get serious, boring, difficult. and.. i just have to talk about this. i am so not ready for CSc182(Software Engineering II). we are to pass our system proposal tomorrow for evaluation. my groupmate and i decided to just continue what we have done last semester but we need to broaden the scope of the system. i don’t know how we’re going to do that. and instead of thinking about it last night, i… just slept. haha. see how much i despise Software Engineering now? i know.. i need to get back to focus. i really need to.. just how am i going to do that?? T.T

i switched back to windows xp last weekend. and i just love how better my laptop performs now. i can install PhotoshopCS3 together with Visual Studio and other apps without worrying about how slow my computer runs and ‘hangups’..  i tried to install a vista transformation pack but i failed. haha. i didn’t like it. so the vista-like theme and cursor tweaking answered my worries of missing the vista interface. yey. i missed photoshop. though i’m not that good in photoshoping, i can settle for mediocrity since i never loved making visual art myself. haha. [taman ra ko tan-aw di ko kabalo mubuhat ug ako.] maybe this Christmas break i’ll be starting to make some photoshop experiments again. i’m excited. i want to do it asap but my studies are not permitting me.

since teachers are now starting to give us projects to work on, there will be less getting-crazy-over-kpop-people, and.. less time to hangout with my close friends. i think i’m gonna miss the latter more. these past few weeks i think there wasn’t a week that i didn’t go out or have overnights with them. it’s okay even if i didn’t get to save some bucks since we were not able to have lots of girl bonding last semester. i’m gonna miss our ‘talks'[haha. sa makasabot lang] and of course the feeling-rich-meals we always have. haha. ’til next time gals.. we need to be serious with studies now. [ows?]

christmas is approaching.. yeah. gifts. food. holidays. not that enticing for me.

argh. what i really wanted to post about was my rants about my CSc182!! turns out i wrote a life update.. haha.

i need to try to sleep again. babye.

– darksphere