It’s 2010

Happy New Year everyone! It’s a bit late I know, I’m sorry. Belated Merry Christmas too.

There’s so much I want to write about my Christmas break/holidays. I had an amazing Christmas break even though it didn’t start so good because I wasn’t able to finish 9 mornings. As usual, it was only me and my sisters who celebrated the Christmas break and with my step mother. In the morning of the 24th everyone was busy preparing for the Noche Buena, then, we attended the Christmas Eve mass and it was one of my favorite masses of 2009. It was a very happy christmas for us and for everyone in the neighborhood, and all of us I hope. The last day of 2009 was quite dramatic for me. I was expecting and been really looking forward to watching fireworks after the mass outside the church but early in the evening it rained really hard so we were not able to go to church for the New Year’s eve mass and of course, I missed the fireworks display. I was so sad about it and since it was raining I thought it was such a sad way of welcoming 2010. But the mood suddenly changed when we started hearing firecrackers and loud music, and the rain slowly stopped. To my surprise we have a number of neighbors too who had fireworks so I was so happy that I didn’t miss the fireworks display after all. Then we Karaoke’d and danced ’til 4 am.

Over all, it was a very fun-filled Christmas and New Year. I have never enjoyed the holidays this much after my mom died and my sister and her family left our house. I guess it’s really true that time can heal everything, and someday everything with fall into their proper places. Also happiness is a choice. For the past Christmases, I always whined about why we are left alone in our house while other families enjoy being together celebrating Jesus’ birthday. Last Christmas was completely different. The 3 of us (me and my sisters) just let everything up to God and never worried about being alone on holidays anymore. I really enjoyed my holidays. And on New Year’s eve after the Media Noche, my year started with a beautiful heart-to-heart talk with my father. It was one of the most precious gift I received for the holidays. Material gifts, my family, fireworks, food, Jesus – I couldn’t ask for more. It was one of my happiest Christmas and New Year ever. Though I still wish to spend my future Christmases with my dad with us and of course, snow. I really want to experience a White Christmas someday!!  I’m so jealous of my friends in Korea who had snow since December and until now. Though of course it’s a nuisance for them because it’s hard to travel to school or work when it’s snowing.

The gifts I received last Christmas were beautiful too (the material ones, I mean). I did not have a list of the things I wanted to receive this year. Before, I always have a list before Christmas even though I know I won’t receive them all. I don’t know why I was like that. Maybe because after a month or years, looking at it and seeing some of those I listed already present in my room makes me feel really happy. I’ve been writing “laptop” on my lists for years and finally I got it on 2008. From the smallest things like toys when I was younger to the laptop and internet connection, I’m glad that slowly they are coming true. hahaha! I think I should start writing “house and lot,” “car” and audi turbocharger next Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll have it but of course I have to work for it. It took me years to be deserving of my beloved lappy you know.

Well it’s back to school now so I’m back to studying and battling with endless quizzes and exams again. Tomorrow I have 2 exams so I need to get started in studying now.

I hope you had a great Christmas and New Year Celebration guys.

Happy 2010 and may we have a happy and prosperous year of the metal tiger! 🙂

-darksphere

happy december!

It’s this time of the year again! My second favorite time of the year(next to summer) is Christmas.

I just love waking up on cold mornings. But sometimes because of the cool morning air, I tend to curl up back to sleep then run late in my classes. Other than the cold mornings, I’m excited for Christmas because of the break, the food, and the gift-giving.

Philippines is probably the only country I know that celebrate Christmas the longest. Most of the people start decorating their houses in September and take down the decorations in the second week of February. For our house, we put up our Christmas tree last week after the Halloween. Last year, our theme was blue and silver but this year we sticked to the red-green-blue theme and added a little gold and silver accent. We also had more Christmas lights this year so I really feel happy looking at the tree and the decorations at night.

Christmas break also means that my friends who are not studying in Iligan are coming home, and of course, the annual school alumni homecoming. Last year, I was not able to attend but this year, I will definitely go because I already miss hanging out with my highschool buddies.

Oh I forgot about the Christmas shopping! It’s one of the reasons why I love Christmas too. Christmas means lots of sales in the malls! Even though it will be crowded during Christmas sales, I enjoy seeing people on the rush to find something to give to their families, friends, and godchildren. I think the crowd and the long lines at the cashier complements the Christmas songs playing at the malls and the Christmas decorations that can be seen everywhere.

It’s really Christmas in just a few days. But I’m not as excited as last year.. Because despite the happiness I feel in the air, it’s still feels lonely deep inside because my family won’t be complete.

Just like all the Christmases my family had for the past 9 years, my parents will not be with us. So it will only be me and my 2 sisters who will celebrate Christmas again. It’s lonely even though we have been already used to it. I hope next year my dad will come home for Christmas. For now, we need to endure spending Christmas on our own. I hope next year he’ll come home and I’ll definitely do my best to cook a very tasty Hamonada. hahaha! (coz actually, last year, i failed. hahaha!)

that's me and my sisters with our cute christmas tree. this was taken on the new year's eve of 2009

For the Philippines, I know a lot may not have a grand celebration this Christmas because this year have been very tough a year for us. The loss of an ex-president, the typhoons, the economic crisis(which is happening all over the world), and the Maguindanao Massacre(which I am going to talk about in my next post) really put the Filipino people to the test. But Filipinos are happy and hopeful people, we are known to be very positive even after the troubles so I believe, even though our Noche Buena will not be as grand as last year, the true meaning of Christmas will prevail in the hearts of the Filipino people.

our Christmas tree for this year

advance merry christmas everyone!

– darksphere

merry Christmas – merry?

happy Christmas to all. haha. don’t get affected by this emotional post. if you think you will be saddened after reading this, DON’T CONTINUE READING. hope you’ll enjoy the rest of the holidays as i continue my hunt of my meaning of Christmas.lol

it’s 12:23 am, Dec. 26, 2008. Christmas is over. it was just an ordinary day. except that we had to wake up at midnight to eat. boring. lonely. no other words could describe my Christmas this year. i spent the Christmas day just sleeping, watching TV, surfing the net and more sleeping in between. since i was too absorbed by loneliness and longing, i took refuge on Korean music. my escape.

sometimes no matter how you try to move on, accept that memories will remain to be memories, and welcome[and adjust to] new people, you’ll realize that you’ll never feel the same again. no matter how you try to be happy with the ones you are with in the present, you’ll realize that you’re just forcing yourself to get over the beautiful haunting past and tell yourself that what you have today is better. reality hurts. so much that it stings even to your soul. just as what some people told me, you’ll never get over the pain, you’ll just get used to them.

mai..next Christmas will be better. i promise.

-darksphere

hours before christmas

here i am. i still haven’t found the excitement and anticipation i used to feel in the past Christmases. i prepared food, we had our Christmas shopping yesterday, i listened to Christmas songs.. but still to no effect..i don’t know what’s happening really. i just miss a lot of people. they’re the only ones i know who can make me feel the same feeling i used to have. wth. what should i do? i really have no plans this midnight. maybe i’ll just sleep.. OR.. spend the whole night in front of my computer.. sigh. am i being “the grinch??” ugh.. let’s see what will happen. i’m not closing my doors.. maybe something fun will come my way tonight. a surprise? i don’t know. i hope so. 😐 i just.. want to be happy.. do i really need to make efforts to achieve that? can’t it just come up to me? ok.. enough of being emo. enough.

-darksphere

this girl’s Christmas rants

. . . When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

. . .   When you lose something you can’t replace . . .

in less than two weeks it will be Christmas. everybody’s looking forward to it. and here’s a girl who doesn’t even know if she’s going to celebrate the joyous season. she hates Christmas. not because she hates Christ but because Christ didn’t allow her to spend a number of Christmases the way she wants it. she’s selfish. no, she just wants to be happy. everybody does. she hates Christmas because not because she has no money but because she doesn’t have someone to go shopping with, not because she doesn’t have something to eat for Noche Buena but because she has no one to share it with, not because she hates preparing the cake but because no one will need her help in making the frosting, not because she has no gifts but because the gifts she used to eagerly wait to open will never be put under the tree again, not because her tree looks bad but because nobody got mad at her in putting the Christmas ball at the most awkward part of the tree, not because she doesn’t want to wake up at midnight at the sound of the firecrackers but because she knows no one will scold her when she wakes up an hour before midnight because of excitement.. she hates Christmas not because she is alone but because even though she has these special persons surrounding her, she still feels empty. and she hates it because she knows that the emptiness she feels will never be filled again. never again..

its been years and a lot have changed.. the world continued living.. so did she.. she is not bitter. she is not living the remainder of her life in grief.. she became happy. she jumped in excitement.. she fell in love.. yet no one, nothing can ever make true happiness feel the same way – the way she felt way back when she was complete – for her. lots of Christmases has passed.. lots of birthdays.. important events.. ordinary days.. sometimes no matter how you push yourself to move on (or even when you just lift all your grief to Him for comfort), in some parts of your life, it won’t work. there’s always a time when you’ll want to go back to some blissful moments but end up getting hurt and crying because you know you’ll never take it back again. of course. there’s death. how can you ever take them back? all that it left her were memories, unread letters, poems kept, un-showed feelings..

everyone, everything kept her feet on the ground and standing.. all voices kept saying everything’s going to be okay and life must go on.. so easy for them but it was like hell for her.. as if living because of life support.. she got through the first painful parts of moving on – deep sorrow, denial, acceptance.. she got through them.. and even though she was bruised, she held on.. she continued living.. now, she’s on this point in her life.. everything she needs is supplied.. she can’t ask for more.. but still she feels empty.. she can’t ask for more.. because what she wants to ask for will never be given to her.. life. that life she had.. the life she wants back.. people.. the people she loved.. the people she misses.. she can’t ask for more.. because what she really wants to ask for will never be fulfilled in this life, in this place, in this time..

she thought she had every right to be bitter and to blame but she was wrong. cliche as it may sound, this is life. all the Christmases where she felt true happiness will just remain to be memories.. locked in her photo albums, old Christmas decors and her heart.. the heart that will never feel the same Christmas feeling again..