A Sorry Heart

Wonder Girls’ Mianhan Maeum (A Sorry Heart) still brings pain to my heart whenever I hear it.. This song perfectly describes how I feel towards someone a few months ago. Maybe until now.. Whenever I remember him, I still feel sad about what happened. I hope he’s happy now and I hope he finds that special girl soon. He’s such a precious soul and I didn’t want to let him go but I just know it’s not gonna work. He gave me the attention I want and all the understanding I needed and I am super thankful for that but I can’t be selfish. I don’t love him. I can’t give him the kind of love he deserves. Haven’t talked to him for months now.. I wish I can bring back the wonderful friendship we had.. Maybe someday.

To you, I’m sorry for everything and I’m sorry for not telling you I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry.

I want to share this diary entry/blog post supposed to be.. haha! I wrote this one night when I was trying my best to sleep and discard all the thoughts that are haunting me, the time when I was at war with myself because I didn’t know if the decision I was supposed to make is right. (September 2010)

You messed up. You kept reminding yourself from the start that this shouldn’t be taken seriously. At one point, weak as you are, you fell and you were flattered. Then you got back to your senses and realized it wasn’t real. You realized that it’s just one of those ‘awww-he-likes-me-what-if-he’s-the-one’ episodes. Maybe it’s your insecurities. You felt amazed that someone actually could overlook your flaws. But no. The truth remains that you’re too complex to be fully understood by someone like him. And that he’s not the one. Then you begin living again knowing that truth and you moved on. But it was not that easy for him because maybe for him it looked like you lead him on. You explained and things got shaky. The friendship where you started from is at risk. You’re so afraid that what happened in the past is starting to happen again. So you cut it off and ended it. Were you too picky? Did you misread the signs? Or this is what you get after being too cautious and over analyzing things? The truth today is, nothing’s ever gonna be the same again. And though it’s not the romantic attachment you thought at first, you got attached. And you, my dear self, failed.

Awwww. If ever the one I’m referring to in this post is you, reader, hahaha! Please know that I’m not trying to make an issue about the past here or anything.. It’s just me being me.. Putting into writing everything I feel because I don’t know if the people I’ll tell it to personally can understand them.. You can just ignore this and live your life. It’s just me being nostalgic. It’ll pass a few minutes or hours later I know.. BUT.. I really hope he won’t see this.. haha!

One of those days?

Is it one of those days again? Crap. I badly want to cry right now. I think I’m having those depressed/senti/emo moments again. As June ends, a new administration begins in the Philippines but as I looked back on what I did the whole month, the things I accomplished and did not, I realized I just wasted almost half of the month staying at home doing nothing and going out eating fast food and wasting money. T_T Another thing is my internet life (lol). I think my files, my accounts, are so cluttered, even my twitter feeds.. I have too many blog accounts, too many people I’m following, that I want to close them all and start a new account again. Oh God.. eotteoke?? Is it just one of those days? Or do I really need to de-clutter my online world now?

Maybe it’s time for some organizing and planning.. The next month, I should be productive. I want to have a job, or learn something new, a new hobby.. I want to be busy. And I want to have a clearer plan for my future already.. And by future, I mean the next 2 years.. I want to plan and make those plans come true.. *sigh* I don’t know if I’m just bored today, or if it’s just this crazy self-pity about me being an out-of-school youth this year.. But I badly need some positive changes in my life now.. I don’t to continue being a couch potato for the rest of the year.. I want to be productive.. T_T I need to look for ways to be productive..

Happy Father’s Day Tatay!

“I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger.”

– The Best Day by Taylor Swift

My father’s phone call woke me up today. It’s just so nice to hear his voice. But because I was still so sleepy, I forgot to greet him a Happy Father’s Day. I’m so sorry Tatay and Happy Father’s Day.

I was browsing through the status updates in Facebook and saw a lot of father’s day greetings. Then I realized a lot of people I know didn’t grow up with their father by their side. It must be very hard for them. I couldn’t imagine growing up without him.

I’m so thankful that I have the best dad in the world. Many people misunderstand him, including me sometimes, but I know he’s always thinking of what’s good for me and my sisters. I know he loves me so much. I have failed him so many times but he’s still on my side, guiding me. I lived half of my life without him by my side physically. It was very hard too. It’s still isn’t easy even today. But as what mom and he used to say, it’s for me and my sisters. I think of all the boys in my life, he’s the only one I could really trust. They say I resemble him a lot. My mom and my eldest sister says I even got much of his attitude. I used to be very close to him before he left to work abroad but after a few years a lot of things have changed and sometimes it makes me sad that we’re not as close anymore. I hope he’ll come home and just stay here for good. I want to make up for the years we didn’t spend together. I have always been asking him about that but he says it’s not yet time. Well, that’s true, my sisters are still studying and we still couldn’t manage if he’s gonna stop working now. Sometimes I really hate the fact that we can’t be together because of money. But I know it’s useless – all the blaming. Because here we are, we survived all the storms so far including the 1 decade of living away from each other.

So tatay, I have a lot of unsent letters for you. I’m so sorry I never had the guts to give it. But I hope you’ll get to read this, I love you so much and thank you for everything. Thank you for taking care of me, my sisters, and nanay, and thank you so much for putting up with me despite all my failures. And thank you for being so brave in facing life without mama just for me and my sisters.

I Conquered CCNA

June 8, 2010. I finally passed the CCNA exam.

It’s one of the greatest days of my life. The night before the exam I couldn’t sleep well because of fear that I might fail and just disappoint a lot of people again. On the other side of my head, I’ve been cheering myself up and saying I must pass it because it’s for my future, it’s for my dreams, it’s for my parents so they will be proud of me, and it’s for the people who never believed that I can make it, so I can prove to them they’re wrong. The morning came and I guess I was so excited that I arrived in the testing center earlier than expected. My schedule was still 2pm in the afternoon. But that day seemed to be full of flaws – on the bus ride, we had a lot of stops plus road constructions caused traffic, and when we arrived in the testing center, we were surprised that the first batch of CCNA takers for the day were not yet done taking the exam when in fact it was already almost 11am and it’s supposed to be time for the 2nd batch. Yes, I’m such a paranoid that maybe it’s a sign that everything will turn out bad for me. But I did my best to stop being nega. So the waiting game started. Then I found out I was going to be the last one to take the exam. I hated that feeling that I’m surrounded by people who were already done with their exams and are already CCNAs. Can you just imagine the pressure that was on me that time? I don’t want to disappoint everyone and it will be too painful for me to go home and be the only one who didn’t pass the exam that day. I texted my bestfriends and lucky me, they were really supportive and they are so good in cheering me up. Haha! Then my time came, the testing room did not look like how I expected it to be (actually the whole testing center was not how I imagined it to be). But it’s all good. I took the exam and I didn’t notice that I’m already on the 33rd item(there are only 50 items in the CCNA exam). And hey, there’s no ‘previous’ button to review my answer and thinking of how careless I am, I regretted answering so fast. But I’m thankful I answered all the questions but the last confidently. Tsk! I knew I’m gonna get stuck with VTP! Because I didn’t study that last set of notes that were given to us.. lol. Then after I pressed the last ‘next’ button of the exam, I was looking for a congratulations but I only saw my score. I passed. I couldn’t believe it. I did not know how to feel or say the moment I saw my score. Then the score sheet was printed and I saw the PASS sign. It was such a great feeling. I somehow wanted to get a perfect score though. I wanted to break a record and make our instructor happier but I didn’t. But what’s really important is that I passed! And it felt really great!

I’m so glad that all the hardwork on the reviews paid off. Aside from that, I’m so happy that the money my dad invested didn’t go to waste. And the best thing about it, I’m somehow secured of getting a good job after graduation. God is so good. He answered all of my prayers for that day. It was all because of Him that I conquered CCNA. It feels so good to write my name with CCNA in the end. Chaerin Kim , CCNA. lol. but of course that’s not my name. Haha!

Next stop was SM CDO. Thanks for the free ride, Sir! ^_^ I missed SM. haha! Last year, when I had my OJT, we went to SM CDO almost everyday since the company I had my internship on was just a few steps away from SM. Everything I saw the moment I entered SM reminded me so much of last year and my whole OJT experience. I miss my OJT-mates so much! And I felt so good that one year after our training at Concentrix, there I was already a CCNA. Just last year, we were doing inventory of the Training Dept’s Linksys devices, and listening to our trainers on the special lecture they gave us on the last few days of our OJT. And now, I already passed CCNA. My first step to more Cisco Certifications. :]

Then we met my friend’s brother and how lucky of us, we received Prince of Persia movie treat as congratulatory gift! Hahaha! Thank you Kuya! :] The movie was so good. And Jake Gyllenhaal was soooo sooo hot. Hahhaha!

On the bus ride home, I couldn’t take off my smile. It was such a happy day. And I really enjoyed malling with my 2 favorite girls who also passed the exam. :] I immediately texted my bestfriends and shared the good news and thanked them for their prayers. Thinking of how nervous I was a few days before the exam, I wanted to cry because of happiness and relief that it’s finally over. I finally passed.

CCNA is just my first step. After this, I want to take up CCNA Security(yup, ambisyon lagi nako mahimong secret agent nga IT expert, kay na inspire ko sa IRIS nga salida :P), then take CCDA, and hopefully CCNP. Phew. I still have a long long way to go but I’ll do my best. And everything is in God’s hands. As to where this first certification will take me, I’ll just let the tides decide. Let’s see. :]

I’m really really thankful that I finally found my happy place in IT. Thank you, Big Guy for showing me that this course is still meant for me even though I have always hated it.

To my family, I’m so thankful for all the support. Shouts out to my sisters who always cheers me on and my best friends who always believe in me.

To my mentors, my trainers, my instructors, thank you very much for being an inspiration not only to me but to all the people you impart your knowledge to. Your job is one of the best job in the world because rare are the teachers who actually teach to inspire and not just merely teach. Sir Pami, thank you! 🙂

To all my fellow new CCNA passers, congratulations to us and let’s keep on learning and aim for CCIE. (lol, CCIE.. it’s too far I know but they said if you dream, dream big right? :] )

Today, 4 days have passed, and I’m still in cloud nine.

Thank you God for helping me pass one of the most important tests of my life. :]

I’m still on the associate level but this is the best thing I have achieved and the first in my IT career, so thank you guys for being a part of it.

Ellen Mae A. Lacandula , CCNA

darksphere

Sorry..

it’s been too long since my last blog post. i’m so lazy. i hate that i always say i’ll do this and that and i end up not doing anything. errrrr.. i’m beginning to really really hate planning.. i enjoy making plans of what to do, but when unexpected circumstances arrive, i can’t follow my plans anymore and i end up disappointing myself… or somebody else.. i just hate it.

i’m pretty active in twitter because it’s for lazy person like me. hahaha! who are too lazy to write a blog post.. so if you want to follow me there, go and hit the follow button.. but expect a lot of pretty random rants of how my day went.. or spazz tweets about my favorite kpop artists..

hmmm.. til here for now.. i hope i’ll get the courage to write again.. or better yet, i hope i’ll overcome my laziness so i can write decent posts again.. haha!

annyeong!

Renewed.. Refreshed..

It’s been a while since I posted in this blog. I was thinking of closing this and switching to tumblr for my personal blog. But I realized that Tumblr is such a happy place and I feel that it’s not appropriate to post my rants and sentimental thoughts there. So here I am.. Back home.. hehe!

I just came back from a pre-summer retreat. Words are not enough to describe how I feel right now after that wonderful experience. It was just what I needed. Before the school year ended, I told myself that I’d look for a summer camp or summer retreat. I am looking for something that will change my life, divert me from depression because I can’t graduate, and just let me be away from worries, disappointments, and problems even for just a while. I received a message weeks back but since my family is Roman Catholic I was hesitant to attend. Though they did not disagree with me attending bible studies with Christians from other religions, they are very vocal in their opinions about that religion and always reminded me that I am still a Roman Catholic. So yeah, I have also been “away” from God for quite some time. I have not been feeding my soul lately. I’m also very anti-social and an introvert so I was sort of scrared that if I go, there might be a lot of people that I don’t know and I might feel out-of-place. Good thing I was able to overcome my hesitations and went to the retreat.

I’m so happy and blessed for that wonderful weekend. I was able to talk to Him again heart-to-heart. I poured my heart out and cried. I wanted that retreat. I wanted a trip away from the face of disappointment I see in the mirror everyday. I wanted some time to talk to Him, and think about everything that happened, how it happened, and what I’m going to do in the future. I’ve been breezing through all the uncertainties, disappointments, and failures because I didn’t want to show to my family how weak I am. It was definitely not an accident that I came to that retreat. It was part of a plan. It feels so good to be free from the loads I’ve been carrying for months. It feels so good to meet new people. It feels so good to give thanks and offer Him songs of worship again. I’m so undeserving but He loves me. When I reach for Him, He takes my hand and carries me. No one else can love me with a love so great other than Jesus. I’m so inspired and my spirit is refreshed and renewed..

frustrated..

i claimed this year to be my year but why are these things happening now? we’re still not done with our thesis, i might not graduate, and Super Junior is coming to Manila for Super Show 2 and I have no money. T___T

no matter how i try to be optimistic of what will happen in the next 3 months i’m so afraid.. of failing again and of missing the concert i’ve been dreaming to attend..

i still believe things will turn out fine..  i feel like my head is going to explode everytime i think of all these problems.. i can’t even solve my postgresql trigger problem. this is just so… frustrating. T____T

no matter what, 2010 is still gonna be my year. it’s still january and too early to say that the rest 2010 will turn out bad.

here’s one of my favorite songs from Super Junior..everything will be okay.. aja!!

Super Junior – Wonder Boy

(Lyrics English Translation)

You can choose your future
The concept of your life
I’m doing well, I’m a fine person.
Trust yourself. Look into the mirror
With the light glimmering around
You as you smile

There could be a sad memories that make you cry
Don’t forget that you have a shoulder to lean on in this world
I have the whole world in my heart…
Lets keep running. For tomorrow, for our future
To become a shining light under the sun
I’m Wonder Boy! Yeah!

He always has a secret but it’s
Easy to find the answers dance with me.
Just move your body to the music.
Don’t be afraid, Girl
You don’t have to fear
Anything except fear itself

There could be a sad memories that make you cry
I’m the one who’ll start and end it.
Let there be light and become a shining star
The sun is welcoming me with rays of light…
I just need one umbrella and that’ll be fine
Don’t hide your tears from me. Yeah!
You can lean on my shoulder and cry out loud
Looking at the crimson red sun setting in the sky…

It’s a spectacle that the heavens have given me
There’s no end. A bright future lies ahead of you
The sun bathes me with it’s warm light under the blue sky
I just need one umbrella and that’ll be fine
To become a shining light under the sun

Lalala, lalalalala, lalalala,
Lalalala, lalalalala, lalalalala

The sun is welcoming me with rays of light…
I just need one umbrella
And that’ll be fine
I’m Wonder Boy! Yeah!

today is bestfriend’s day?

my day kind of started a little wrong. i slept the whole morning instead of studying. i ended up waking up too late to attend my first class so i missed a quiz. i took a prelim exam on business law and i had no sure answer. i was surprised because i thought the teacher said we’re having a quiz today. totally unprepared. pft.

but when i was going home from school, i met my elementary bestfriend. my ride home seemed too fast. i had a great conversation with her whom i haven’t talked to in a very long time. i wish we had more time.

it’s really amazing how friendships stand the test of time. i’m so glad that after many years, the friendship is still intact. when we talk it feels like we’re the 10 year-olds who just worry about our grades again.. i’m so happy that nothing has changed with the friendship we built a decade ago. she’s still the talkative and witty girl she used to be. and she still amazes me.

we may have grown a lot and have had a lot of experiences away from each other but when we chatted it feels like we never left each other’s side. we’re still the simple girls who don’t care about the mean girls at school as long as we got each other’s back. it’s unexplainable how we’ve stayed friends this long though we used to be cats and dogs back then. we’re still unbreakable and inseparable. i hope we will always be.

friends are truly the greatest treasures one can have in this life.

today i met my elementary best friend and had a great chat with my highschool and forever best friend. such a happy day ender.. 2 of the best girls in the world! 🙂

Just When..

I want to get serious, seems like the world is conspiring to get even with me. Argh.

Today I got a good and a bad news. The good news is that I’m going to General Santos City soon.Yay! It’s for my Network Administration subject though and we’re not going there to have sight-seeing but to design their local area network. wow. We sound so professional. hahaha! We’re just going to get pictures and see their current network design and inventory on the networking devices they are using. When we get back here, we’ll use the data we gathered for our paper.Different groups will go to different campuses of MSU System then we will put together all our designs to make the design of the whole MSU System. I’m excited! It’s been a long time that I haven’t been there. I wish I could get to see my cousins and relatives who are living in a nearby town. I’m also excited because it’s gonna be a long long travel by bus. I just love travelling by bus.. Especially the Bukidnon-Davao areas.. *daydreaming on my annual davao trips with family* *sigh* i miss davao.. i miss travelling!

Now to the bad news.. I think I’m not going to graduate this coming March. ㅠㅠ.

I won’t talk about this anymore because I don’t want to be stressed. But still I will do everything I can to graduate. hmm.. now I’m facing the consequences of my laziness.. phew. i hope I can still get a chance.. but if not.. it’s a lesson I must learn..

Okay.. gotta go to bed now. I need to stop thinking about what to do next semester if I don’t graduate this March!

PS. i will try to write more often.. that’s a promise for myself. i need to improve my writing.. 🙂

hmmm.. who isn’t addicted to this song?

– darksphere

It’s 2010

Happy New Year everyone! It’s a bit late I know, I’m sorry. Belated Merry Christmas too.

There’s so much I want to write about my Christmas break/holidays. I had an amazing Christmas break even though it didn’t start so good because I wasn’t able to finish 9 mornings. As usual, it was only me and my sisters who celebrated the Christmas break and with my step mother. In the morning of the 24th everyone was busy preparing for the Noche Buena, then, we attended the Christmas Eve mass and it was one of my favorite masses of 2009. It was a very happy christmas for us and for everyone in the neighborhood, and all of us I hope. The last day of 2009 was quite dramatic for me. I was expecting and been really looking forward to watching fireworks after the mass outside the church but early in the evening it rained really hard so we were not able to go to church for the New Year’s eve mass and of course, I missed the fireworks display. I was so sad about it and since it was raining I thought it was such a sad way of welcoming 2010. But the mood suddenly changed when we started hearing firecrackers and loud music, and the rain slowly stopped. To my surprise we have a number of neighbors too who had fireworks so I was so happy that I didn’t miss the fireworks display after all. Then we Karaoke’d and danced ’til 4 am.

Over all, it was a very fun-filled Christmas and New Year. I have never enjoyed the holidays this much after my mom died and my sister and her family left our house. I guess it’s really true that time can heal everything, and someday everything with fall into their proper places. Also happiness is a choice. For the past Christmases, I always whined about why we are left alone in our house while other families enjoy being together celebrating Jesus’ birthday. Last Christmas was completely different. The 3 of us (me and my sisters) just let everything up to God and never worried about being alone on holidays anymore. I really enjoyed my holidays. And on New Year’s eve after the Media Noche, my year started with a beautiful heart-to-heart talk with my father. It was one of the most precious gift I received for the holidays. Material gifts, my family, fireworks, food, Jesus – I couldn’t ask for more. It was one of my happiest Christmas and New Year ever. Though I still wish to spend my future Christmases with my dad with us and of course, snow. I really want to experience a White Christmas someday!!  I’m so jealous of my friends in Korea who had snow since December and until now. Though of course it’s a nuisance for them because it’s hard to travel to school or work when it’s snowing.

The gifts I received last Christmas were beautiful too (the material ones, I mean). I did not have a list of the things I wanted to receive this year. Before, I always have a list before Christmas even though I know I won’t receive them all. I don’t know why I was like that. Maybe because after a month or years, looking at it and seeing some of those I listed already present in my room makes me feel really happy. I’ve been writing “laptop” on my lists for years and finally I got it on 2008. From the smallest things like toys when I was younger to the laptop and internet connection, I’m glad that slowly they are coming true. hahaha! I think I should start writing “house and lot,” “car” and audi turbocharger next Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll have it but of course I have to work for it. It took me years to be deserving of my beloved lappy you know.

Well it’s back to school now so I’m back to studying and battling with endless quizzes and exams again. Tomorrow I have 2 exams so I need to get started in studying now.

I hope you had a great Christmas and New Year Celebration guys.

Happy 2010 and may we have a happy and prosperous year of the metal tiger! 🙂

-darksphere