frustrated..

i claimed this year to be my year but why are these things happening now? we’re still not done with our thesis, i might not graduate, and Super Junior is coming to Manila for Super Show 2 and I have no money. T___T

no matter how i try to be optimistic of what will happen in the next 3 months i’m so afraid.. of failing again and of missing the concert i’ve been dreaming to attend..

i still believe things will turn out fine..  i feel like my head is going to explode everytime i think of all these problems.. i can’t even solve my postgresql trigger problem. this is just so… frustrating. T____T

no matter what, 2010 is still gonna be my year. it’s still january and too early to say that the rest 2010 will turn out bad.

here’s one of my favorite songs from Super Junior..everything will be okay.. aja!!

Super Junior – Wonder Boy

(Lyrics English Translation)

You can choose your future
The concept of your life
I’m doing well, I’m a fine person.
Trust yourself. Look into the mirror
With the light glimmering around
You as you smile

There could be a sad memories that make you cry
Don’t forget that you have a shoulder to lean on in this world
I have the whole world in my heart…
Lets keep running. For tomorrow, for our future
To become a shining light under the sun
I’m Wonder Boy! Yeah!

He always has a secret but it’s
Easy to find the answers dance with me.
Just move your body to the music.
Don’t be afraid, Girl
You don’t have to fear
Anything except fear itself

There could be a sad memories that make you cry
I’m the one who’ll start and end it.
Let there be light and become a shining star
The sun is welcoming me with rays of light…
I just need one umbrella and that’ll be fine
Don’t hide your tears from me. Yeah!
You can lean on my shoulder and cry out loud
Looking at the crimson red sun setting in the sky…

It’s a spectacle that the heavens have given me
There’s no end. A bright future lies ahead of you
The sun bathes me with it’s warm light under the blue sky
I just need one umbrella and that’ll be fine
To become a shining light under the sun

Lalala, lalalalala, lalalala,
Lalalala, lalalalala, lalalalala

The sun is welcoming me with rays of light…
I just need one umbrella
And that’ll be fine
I’m Wonder Boy! Yeah!

today is bestfriend’s day?

my day kind of started a little wrong. i slept the whole morning instead of studying. i ended up waking up too late to attend my first class so i missed a quiz. i took a prelim exam on business law and i had no sure answer. i was surprised because i thought the teacher said we’re having a quiz today. totally unprepared. pft.

but when i was going home from school, i met my elementary bestfriend. my ride home seemed too fast. i had a great conversation with her whom i haven’t talked to in a very long time. i wish we had more time.

it’s really amazing how friendships stand the test of time. i’m so glad that after many years, the friendship is still intact. when we talk it feels like we’re the 10 year-olds who just worry about our grades again.. i’m so happy that nothing has changed with the friendship we built a decade ago. she’s still the talkative and witty girl she used to be. and she still amazes me.

we may have grown a lot and have had a lot of experiences away from each other but when we chatted it feels like we never left each other’s side. we’re still the simple girls who don’t care about the mean girls at school as long as we got each other’s back. it’s unexplainable how we’ve stayed friends this long though we used to be cats and dogs back then. we’re still unbreakable and inseparable. i hope we will always be.

friends are truly the greatest treasures one can have in this life.

today i met my elementary best friend and had a great chat with my highschool and forever best friend. such a happy day ender.. 2 of the best girls in the world!

Just When..

I want to get serious, seems like the world is conspiring to get even with me. Argh.

Today I got a good and a bad news. The good news is that I’m going to General Santos City soon.Yay! It’s for my Network Administration subject though and we’re not going there to have sight-seeing but to design their local area network. wow. We sound so professional. hahaha! We’re just going to get pictures and see their current network design and inventory on the networking devices they are using. When we get back here, we’ll use the data we gathered for our paper.Different groups will go to different campuses of MSU System then we will put together all our designs to make the design of the whole MSU System. I’m excited! It’s been a long time that I haven’t been there. I wish I could get to see my cousins and relatives who are living in a nearby town. I’m also excited because it’s gonna be a long long travel by bus. I just love travelling by bus.. Especially the Bukidnon-Davao areas.. *daydreaming on my annual davao trips with family* *sigh* i miss davao.. i miss travelling!

Now to the bad news.. I think I’m not going to graduate this coming March. ㅠㅠ.

I won’t talk about this anymore because I don’t want to be stressed. But still I will do everything I can to graduate. hmm.. now I’m facing the consequences of my laziness.. phew. i hope I can still get a chance.. but if not.. it’s a lesson I must learn..

Okay.. gotta go to bed now. I need to stop thinking about what to do next semester if I don’t graduate this March!

PS. i will try to write more often.. that’s a promise for myself. i need to improve my writing..

hmmm.. who isn’t addicted to this song?

- darksphere

It’s 2010

Happy New Year everyone! It’s a bit late I know, I’m sorry. Belated Merry Christmas too.

There’s so much I want to write about my Christmas break/holidays. I had an amazing Christmas break even though it didn’t start so good because I wasn’t able to finish 9 mornings. As usual, it was only me and my sisters who celebrated the Christmas break and with my step mother. In the morning of the 24th everyone was busy preparing for the Noche Buena, then, we attended the Christmas Eve mass and it was one of my favorite masses of 2009. It was a very happy christmas for us and for everyone in the neighborhood, and all of us I hope. The last day of 2009 was quite dramatic for me. I was expecting and been really looking forward to watching fireworks after the mass outside the church but early in the evening it rained really hard so we were not able to go to church for the New Year’s eve mass and of course, I missed the fireworks display. I was so sad about it and since it was raining I thought it was such a sad way of welcoming 2010. But the mood suddenly changed when we started hearing firecrackers and loud music, and the rain slowly stopped. To my surprise we have a number of neighbors too who had fireworks so I was so happy that I didn’t miss the fireworks display after all. Then we Karaoke’d and danced ’til 4 am.

Over all, it was a very fun-filled Christmas and New Year. I have never enjoyed the holidays this much after my mom died and my sister and her family left our house. I guess it’s really true that time can heal everything, and someday everything with fall into their proper places. Also happiness is a choice. For the past Christmases, I always whined about why we are left alone in our house while other families enjoy being together celebrating Jesus’ birthday. Last Christmas was completely different. The 3 of us (me and my sisters) just let everything up to God and never worried about being alone on holidays anymore. I really enjoyed my holidays. And on New Year’s eve after the Media Noche, my year started with a beautiful heart-to-heart talk with my father. It was one of the most precious gift I received for the holidays. Material gifts, my family, fireworks, food, Jesus – I couldn’t ask for more. It was one of my happiest Christmas and New Year ever. Though I still wish to spend my future Christmases with my dad with us and of course, snow. I really want to experience a White Christmas someday!!  I’m so jealous of my friends in Korea who had snow since December and until now. Though of course it’s a nuisance for them because it’s hard to travel to school or work when it’s snowing.

The gifts I received last Christmas were beautiful too (the material ones, I mean). I did not have a list of the things I wanted to receive this year. Before, I always have a list before Christmas even though I know I won’t receive them all. I don’t know why I was like that. Maybe because after a month or years, looking at it and seeing some of those I listed already present in my room makes me feel really happy. I’ve been writing “laptop” on my lists for years and finally I got it on 2008. From the smallest things like toys when I was younger to the laptop and internet connection, I’m glad that slowly they are coming true. hahaha! I think I should start writing “house and lot,” “car” and audi turbocharger next Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll have it but of course I have to work for it. It took me years to be deserving of my beloved lappy you know.

Well it’s back to school now so I’m back to studying and battling with endless quizzes and exams again. Tomorrow I have 2 exams so I need to get started in studying now.

I hope you had a great Christmas and New Year Celebration guys.

Happy 2010 and may we have a happy and prosperous year of the metal tiger!

-darksphere

special treatment

It’s already 1 am and Gabe’s songs are still playing on Youtube. I can’t sleep. I hate having colds. I would rather have fever than have colds. Today I fixed our desktop computer. It’s been bugging us for days now but I only spared some time for him this afternoon. I knew he only needed cleaning so “operated” him again. But I have this allergy that just surfaced now as in this year(after 19 years of my existence). I’m now allergic to dust, strong perfumes, and the smell of soaps. What a terrible life. I now hate cleaning and tinkling computers and its parts because of this. And I hate hate hate the soap section of the grocery.

Phew. I didn’t hate being sick when I was younger. Before, I thought I’m lucky when I get sick because I don’t get to help in household chores, parents wont let me run errands, and I don’t get scolded when I tease my sisters. hahaha! And, my favorite part of the special treatment, is when they ask me, “What do you want? We’ll buy it.” hahaha! Then of course I ask for my favorite fruits and other food that I love. (Why didn’t I ask for toys?? shtupid. or did i?) I guess it’s a bribe for the very all the more sickening antibiotics and Calpol. You get to sleep in your parents room too. It feels so secure there.

But when you get old, it’s hard to get sick. Not only that it’ll affect your studies or work but it’s sad to get sick when you get old. No more special treatments, you get advice to take your medicines and when you ask they’ll prepare you lemon juice. But that’s it. It’s sad to get sick when you’re not a baby anymore. A warm blanket is the only special treatment you get. But it’s okay when you know that it’s your mom’s blanket. It’s okay if the song on background is you dad’s favorite tracks. Feels like the old times. Only now you’re alone.

So from Gabe’s Chasing Pavements cover, I have finished downloading Adele’s album and Make You Feel My Love is playing now. My nose is a bit cleared and better. Gotta go to sleep and hope tomorrow no more sick feeling for me.

ps. i still tease my sisters though. hahaha! one thing that didn’t change. i still enjoy making fun of them. whether i’m sick or not. hhahaha!

happy december!

It’s this time of the year again! My second favorite time of the year(next to summer) is Christmas.

I just love waking up on cold mornings. But sometimes because of the cool morning air, I tend to curl up back to sleep then run late in my classes. Other than the cold mornings, I’m excited for Christmas because of the break, the food, and the gift-giving.

Philippines is probably the only country I know that celebrate Christmas the longest. Most of the people start decorating their houses in September and take down the decorations in the second week of February. For our house, we put up our Christmas tree last week after the Halloween. Last year, our theme was blue and silver but this year we sticked to the red-green-blue theme and added a little gold and silver accent. We also had more Christmas lights this year so I really feel happy looking at the tree and the decorations at night.

Christmas break also means that my friends who are not studying in Iligan are coming home, and of course, the annual school alumni homecoming. Last year, I was not able to attend but this year, I will definitely go because I already miss hanging out with my highschool buddies.

Oh I forgot about the Christmas shopping! It’s one of the reasons why I love Christmas too. Christmas means lots of sales in the malls! Even though it will be crowded during Christmas sales, I enjoy seeing people on the rush to find something to give to their families, friends, and godchildren. I think the crowd and the long lines at the cashier complements the Christmas songs playing at the malls and the Christmas decorations that can be seen everywhere.

It’s really Christmas in just a few days. But I’m not as excited as last year.. Because despite the happiness I feel in the air, it’s still feels lonely deep inside because my family won’t be complete.

Just like all the Christmases my family had for the past 9 years, my parents will not be with us. So it will only be me and my 2 sisters who will celebrate Christmas again. It’s lonely even though we have been already used to it. I hope next year my dad will come home for Christmas. For now, we need to endure spending Christmas on our own. I hope next year he’ll come home and I’ll definitely do my best to cook a very tasty Hamonada. hahaha! (coz actually, last year, i failed. hahaha!)

that's me and my sisters with our cute christmas tree. this was taken on the new year's eve of 2009

For the Philippines, I know a lot may not have a grand celebration this Christmas because this year have been very tough a year for us. The loss of an ex-president, the typhoons, the economic crisis(which is happening all over the world), and the Maguindanao Massacre(which I am going to talk about in my next post) really put the Filipino people to the test. But Filipinos are happy and hopeful people, we are known to be very positive even after the troubles so I believe, even though our Noche Buena will not be as grand as last year, the true meaning of Christmas will prevail in the hearts of the Filipino people.

our Christmas tree for this year

advance merry christmas everyone!

- darksphere

It’s Been One Year

Well, i’m weeks late. haha. I just noticed yesterday that this blog is already One Year Old. weee! and i also noticed that i only missed a post for July.. the rest of the months, i wrote 1 or 2 posts. I’m happy that somehow i got consistent and made this blog alive. hahaha!

i don’t know if there are people who read this except me and my friends maybe(rarely.. when i link them here siguro. hahaha!).  but it doesn’t really matter to me because i decided to put up this blog for me to practice writing and as an outlet for the emotional and sentimental soul in me.

as i browse through the archives i realized i always wrote lengthy blog posts. hahaha! and 95 percent of them are really sentimental. haha

soo..now i’m running out of words and thoughts about what to write anymore..  i’m just glad and proud that this blog is already one year old. ^___^

i hope i can write more happy posts and more about life and travel.. next year, i’ll be graduating(hopefully..) so i hope i can start travelling and exploring beautiful places and share my beautiful memories here..

and i hope, i can bring more life to this blog.. hahaha! since i noticed that because of the lengthy posts, my page looks boring..

i also hope i can write more in my “about me” section..

hmmm.. what else…?

as of now, i’m focused on writing more posts in my other blog because i want to make profit out of it. hahaha! so drop by if you want to..

well, if there is anyone who follows this blog, thank you! ^^ and to my blogger friends who shared some comments and their thoughts with me through this blog for the past year, thank you. hahaha!

and to you who is reading this right now, thank you! whatever brought you here, thank you. ^_____^

happy birthday to my blog!

 

- darksphere

a friend, a lover, a travelmate..

I miss being in love. I miss smiling for a cute gesture. I miss daydreaming. I miss singing lovesongs while cleaning my room.

Being in love is one of the nicest feelings in the world. When you feel it, you think there’s no tomorrow. When you’re in love you spend a lot of time being unproductive at work or at school but it’s not a big deal for you because no matter how bad your day is, it will always end up great because of him. You mess up at work or school but just a simple smile would take all the frustrations away.

Being in love, for me, is like sitting in the beach, enjoying the beauty of the sunset. Just staring at the beautiful colors of the sky, feeling the wind, listening to the music of the waves, sipping a glass of wine, forgetting about the rest of the world and its problems – you smile like you’ve never been in pain, you’re in love.

Isn’t it great? You wake up in the morning knowing that your day will always end right despite the troubles that might come and distract you.

Being in love, is like travelling – riding a bus, looking forward to your destination, feeling the wind of the new place, being excited of what’s to come, not fearing of getting lost, not caring about how long the ride may take, just enjoying the company of the wind, your map, and your dreams.

Love, for me, is the ride of your lifetime, the travel destination of your dreams.

At first, you imagine it, you research about it, you get excited about getting there, you are motivated to go there, you work hard to get there. Then, you achieve it, you get there, you enjoy it, you do whatever you can not to lose your dream. Sometimes, you will need to go home. But you will long for it again, and you go back – you go back to the place you have dreamed of and have become your happiness, your dream come true.

It’s a lot like friendship too, love.

You need a friend to have friendship, someone to experience loving, and a travelmate to enjoy the ride. I want my next love to be a friend, a lover, and a travelmate.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. so cheezy. i’m in love but to no particular person. i just miss being in love.. i still have a lot to learn.. i don’t know if i’m ready. but i think i’m willing to try.. experience dictates that i should not rush things again.. now, friendship is the best that i can give and am willing to receive..

It’s Depressing

There’s not much going on these days, lots of suspensions of classes, lots of lazy days for me, and lots of food trips. We also have lots of school requirements to pass but I haven’t started doing one – lazy days, lazy days.. When will I ever stop cramming? It’s already rooted in my system ever since highschool. I can’t generate good ideas anymore unless it’s the eleventh hour. Just as what my teacher once said, “deadlines make miracles.” I know I should change this. I hate being almost-late but I like the rush of beautiful ideas during deadlines. hahaha!

Kpop scene is depressing. Jaebum left for Seattle last last week leaving 2PM without a leader and one member less. That’s not 2PM anymore right? Sigh. I’m actually upset with Korean netizens for making such a big issue about those MySpace comments. I mean if I were a Korean, I’d also be mad about that but considering that those comments were written years ago, and after reading Jaebum’s explanation, I’d forgive him. I understand what he was going through that time enduring a very stressful training away from home without even an assurance that all his hard work will pay off. Also, even though he’s Korean, he was basically new to Korea that time and found it hard to adjust to a culture so different from American culture where he grew up. I just think that Koreans were really really unfair to him. 2PM activities were also postponed and appearances of other members in shows(regular shows and guestings alike) were called off. Well, he voluntarily left the group and abandoned his position so I’ll respect that. He needs time to be away and reflect too. On the other hand, the controversy involving TVXQ and SM Entertainment also worries me. I don’t want TVXQ to separate. They’re the best Korean boyband I know in terms of singing abilities. And after so many years of being together and so many albums they released, it would be really hurtful for fans like me to see them break up. I’m not saying they are on the verge of breaking up but logically, if the two parties cannot have an agreement that will settle the issue about TVXQ’s “slave contract” with SM, I don’t think it’s possible that Changmin and Yunho will stay at SM and Micky, Xiah and Jaejoong will leave SM and they’ll still be TVXQ! There are even rumors that their upcoming performance might be their last performance together as TVXQ. Oh no. I pray that it won’t happen or they will break millions of hearts of the biggest fan club in the world.

Well, enough of being a fan girl, last week, I said a lot of hurtful things to someone. I hoped he’d understand but I he didn’t. I am trying my best not to regret those words even though it’s so hard. It’s been a long and difficult battle doings things you know you’re not happy with and trying to be the best in a field I don’t really like just to please people. I messed up a lot of times. I always mess up but I’m so tired of wondering if I’d still mess up this big had I taken the road my heart wants to follow. I know I hurt him but I’ve been hurting too. I’m just so tired and so fed up with all these frustrations. Now, I am on reflection slash soul-searching mode. hehe. And I hope I’ll get through this soon. I know I can. These trials will just pass. I’m thankful I have good friends who never leaves my side and never tires to listen and advice me.

Sigh. Such an emo post I have there. I’m depressed so bear with me. I’ll be okay soon.

of love and the one

do you believe in destiny? do you believe that someday, somewhere, there’s someone that you are meant to be with for the rest of your life if not forever? these are the questions i often ask those people around me. some said yes, some said destiny is a lie. i often ask myself these questions too. and i’ve always been consistent.. so far. haha! but i wasn’t consistent on the reasons.. on my reactions..

there’s this one show i watched today, it’s a series actually, and i’m following it, it’s about two souls that met during their childhood days and got separated by circumstances [maybe fate]. and met again, they didn’t know that they’ve already met.. they don’t recognize each other anymore. but they’re still waiting for each other, believing that he is the “one” for her and she’s the “one” for him. hmmm.. i just got reminded of how i see matters like that a few weeks back..

what’s the story? i wouldn’t dig into the details. but let’s just say there’s someone that all these years i’ve been considering as “the one” for me. a childish love but i took seriously. a lesson to be learned, but i dwelt at too much. too much that even though i was doing fine, i know the world continued living and there’s one part of me that stopped and was stranded. it was unhealthy. i thought it was the right thing to do because i believe in destiny, in fate, and i believe that everything i was doing with him in mind will eventually lead us back to where we are destined to be. [or what i believed we were destined to be.] hmmm.. in each other’s arms? haha! silly, but yes, that’s what i imagined it to be. that all of these are just tests, and just streets we need to walk through, that in the end, it’s still gonna be us. of all the things that i don’t have confidence in doing, that belief was one of the few ones i was sure of. i continued of living, i moved on, i didn’t feed my broken heart. because deep down in me, was that strong inspiration.

then out of nowhere, in the midst of all the crowd dancing, alcohol pouring, and smoke in the air, i ended up crying and saying his name. that’s when i realized that even though i was okay, i wasn’t in pain, i was hopeful and happily waiting for him, but i was putting myself into a prison that i myself made. a prison built by lies. because i just didn’t want to accept that that’s the end of my story. because i still believed in fairy tales, in Korean love stories, that  i thought i despised. i kept on thinking, why and how it happened, and i found out why – why i am still living in despair, even though i’m so good in hiding it. but i didn’t find out how it happened, and i think it’s going to be harder if i bother tracing.

so from then on, i decided to accept it, that that’s really how it ends and that you should not wait for people, for circumstances, and for time, to put and end to your story. your death or you loved ones death should determine the end of your story. because not all stories end when death comes, and some continue after death, some end before it. why death? because, i thought my life is the also the lifeline of my story. i didn’t understand that my life is my time, and throughout my time, i make my stories, lots of stories – thousands of starts and endings..and it took me a while to realize that. but it was worth it.

some stories may end up happy, some stories don’t. that’s a fact.

i still believe in destiny. i still believe in “the one.” but the difference now is that my story featuring him as “the one” have ended. and it was a happy ending.

i still believe in destiny. i still believe in “the one.” and i’m still open to the possibility the he might still come into my life again. our story has ended. but my life is my time, another story can start.

one really must know when to let go – when to end a story, flip a page, and start again.

so for that drama that i’ve been following, i can’t say that they’re wrong or right because it’s a drama, a show. there are things that only happen in dramas. but if it happens in someone’s life, let’s just say… that’s their story. that’s where choice meets destiny. that’s how they chose their story to be.

i still believe in destiny. i still believe in “the one.”

- darksphere